The Parable of the Paint Tarp

Today is significant not just because it is Mother's Day, but also because it marks the 10th anniversary of an event that has become legendary in our family.

10 years ago today, J. celebrated her first "official" Mother's Day.  R. was about 6 months old and we had moved into the first house we'd ever owned (a small townhome in Virginia) about two months before.  Because I was in my first year of my career following grad school, we didn't have a lot of extra money lying around and what little we did have had been spent to put a down payment on our house and to buy some furnishing to help J. make our house "cute."

I thought that J. had done a great job with the house, but one thing that really bothered her were the white walls.  She really wanted to paint them.  Naively, perhaps, in retrospect, I figured that painting was something that we could do ourselves.  And by "ourselves," I really mean that it was something that I could do.

So Mother's Day rolled around and I can't remember exactly what I got for J.  I'm sure that there was a card with a heartfelt written message and probably some flowers.  (I don't think she had banned me from buying her flowers yet...)  But I do remember what the main present was...I got her a plastic paint tarp.

Mother's Day circa 2002

Before you judge me...let me clarify.  I didn't actually mean that I was giving J. a $3 piece of plastic sheeting.  I had been reluctant to commit to the painting project--in part because of the cost, but mostly because I knew what a HUGE job it would be.  So the painter's tarp was a symbolic gift--kind of like a parable if you will.  I was really giving her a gift of myself--I would commit to paint the house myself.

The Tidal Basin in Washington D.C.

And paint I did.  It took hours.  I remember coming home on a Friday from work in downtown D.C. and prepping and painting.  The first coat literally took all night.  I painted until the darkened night sky had been replaced by the early morning glow of the rising sun.  Then I got some sleep, let the first coat dry, and started on the second coat on Saturday afternoon/evening.  (Luckily, the second coat is always easier to do.)

I think it took about three weekends like that--dozens of hours--for me to complete that first level.  I was glad to have that project in my rear view mirror, I can assure you.

The controversy, however, springs from the fact that J. has never forgiven me for giving her that paint tarp.  To her, the paint tarp was not about what it represented (dozens of hours and her psychic well-being of enjoying freshly painted walls that added to the "cuteness" of our home).  Nope, the paint tarp was just a paint tarp.  And I am the crappy husband who thought a paint tarp was an adequate Mother's Day prize for a first time mother.

Feel free to ask J. about this "incident" next time you see her.  She'll love to re-tell the tale!  And I have to admit, when J. tells the story, it is hilarious.  But then again, J. has never been one to let the facts get in the way of a good story. 

I  maintain that giving J. the concept that lay behind the paint tarp was a good idea.  In the words of the legendary broadcaster, Ron Burgundy, J. and I have had to "agree to disagree" on this topic.  But I have learned my lesson and never repeated my mistake of giving J. a paint tarp on any occasion.  (The next house that we moved into, I hired J.'s brother to come paint for us before we moved in.)

Ron Burgundy:  "I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you...
Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago."

I have a few things this year (both tangible and intangible) for J. to honor her as the mother of my children.  I can't imagine anyone who would do a better job raising them and I'm glad that J. has willingly given up her "lucrative" career as a CES employee to be a full-time mom.  

I hope that J. likes what she got from me this year for Mother's Day.  I just wish that I felt that her prizes this year were as cool as that paint tarp that I gave her 10 years ago.  Even though I know that I won't get any grief from her for this year's crop of gifts, deep down I still feel like the paint tarp was a better present.

UPDATE:  I had J. review this post prior to posting.  She laughed while reading it.  I think that's a good sign.  She did want me to add the following point.  Apparently, the paint tarp that I gave her was still in the Home Depot plastic bag.  She also claims the receipt was in the bag.  (I told you that the story is a lot funnier when she tells it...)  


The plastic bag part sounds about right.  I'm known for my "awesome" gift-wrapping skills in my family.  For example, my traditional Christmas wrapping job involves sticking the present in a brown paper grocery bag. After all, it's the thought that counts, isn't it?


I can't confirm or deny that the receipt was in the bag, but if it was, I was probably just thinking ahead in case she wanted to return it???  (Please keep in mind that she didn't!)


It's also worth noting that the passage of a decade has done nothing to dull the bitterness of that moment.  She provided the following quote for this post: "I got a plastic tarp for Mother's Day."  But when she says it, it's said completely straight-faced.


**********
Since I'm doing an update, I thought I'd share one more anecdote from this weekend...


While I was at the triathlon this weekend, I got a call from J.  Apparently, our daughter (E.) had yanked on a  towel in our bathroom and had managed to pull the whole towel hook right out of the wall!  (Our kids are strong!)

Poor little E. was so sad!  I didn't want J. to have to look at a big ugly whole in the wall every day especially when the baby is due so soon, so I called Brother Robles from the ward and had him come over yesterday to fix it!  Best money I ever spent!  =o)

Great work Brother Robles!

J. always likes to get a bunch of gifts, and if truth be told, I kinda meant for this to be one of multiple gifts that I got for her this year.  But after the Paint Tarp incident, there is no way that I'd ever try and tell her that I "gave" her a home improvement project as a gift. I'd never hear the end of it!


Happy Mother's Day J.!  I hope you're enjoying your nap!!

The kids hard at work on their Mother's Day cards

The Display-Off To End All Display-Offs, Indeed!

No one was more surprised than I was when I got the phone call to judge Round 3 of the Display-Off between The Mostess and Ashley C. (actually, it wasn't a phone call, but I digress):

The Chief

Lord Barrister

I mean, despite my extensive experience in the judicial arena (which includes, bytheway, operating a blog with the word "Court" in the name), you never really feel like you are really prepared for this type of experience.

I mean, this is The Mostess versus Ashley C.--two veritable titans of the Blogosphere.  And Round 3 no less!

It might as well have been the Immovable Object versus the Irresistible Force; Coyote vs. the Roadrunner; Batman vs. the Joker; Yankees vs. Red Sox; or Game 7 of the Celtics vs. Lakers.

You cannot imagine the pressure of making a bad decision in a contest this important.  I mean, you know that Ashley C. is going to be bringing her "A" game.  And you know that the Mostess doesn't even have a "B" game.  Heck, that's why they call her the "Mostess" for goodness sake!

And no matter what decision is made, someone is going to be disappointed.  It's inevitable.  But then I realized that someone had to do it.  And then I thought a little more about it and realized that I am not one to back down from a challenge.

That and the realization that I would be getting paid big bucks to make this decision.  And by "big bucks" I mean nothing, so you know why there was no way that I could turn down this (ahem) opportunity.  (Only later would I learn that my selection was pretty much by default because no one else was willing to do it...)

So I am ready to suffer the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Shakespeare put it--or perhaps more accurately, the slings and arrows of outrageous criticism sure to meet whatever decision I make.

But enough about me...Let's get to the Display-Off!

The Good:

Definitely Hooty:

Who doesn't love owls?  Especially at Thanksgiving.  They're a HOOT!

Let's face it, even though I'm one of the judges, there is no way that I could ever come up with any of this stuff!  And as The Mostess famously quoted Ashley C. (in a rare moment of "sister"-hood and sportsmanship for this otherwise heated rivalry): "...the visitors to our homes are the real winners in all of this."

Both Ashley C. and The Mostess are right.  We are the winners for being able to see their amazing sense of creativity and festive Fall holiday spirit.  But enough of this sappiness!

The Bad:

The Famous Homemade Life-Size Mummy

Ashley C.:  I hate to say this, but you took the bait and fell into The Mostess' trap (when The Mostess warned that the criteria for this contest would not be based on the following philosophy:. "No I love candy, so Ashley wins' business going on in this ever-important round!") when you failed to include your famous candy in your display!

If you did it to keep me from getting sick on your six-year-old candy, you are forgiven.  :-)

The Mostess:  Where was the life-size Mummy?  I'm fairly certain that would have sealed the deal early on (and spared me from having to write this massive post and all the rest of you from having to read it!).

Ashley C:  I'm not going to lie...I did miss the handmade penguin pinata.  With two PDR's and three birds in the display, your formidable display might well have proven insurmountable.

A Thanksgiving Penguin?

The Ugly:
Let's face it, there is nothing ugly about either of these worthy submissions.  :-)

The Deliberations:

PDR x 2

The Front Door

This was not an easy decision.  I saw The Mostess' display first and thought: "This will be hard to beat."

Then I saw Ashley C.'s display and thought: "How can you not choose this one?"

I studied both and then did what all good judges do.  I went to bed and decided to sleep on it.

I knew that I was going to need some additional resources to decide this one.

So I went into my office and decided to do something productive with my work computer by putting up both displays side by side.

Even that was not enough, so I had to pull up individual pictures of each display--side by side--so that I could really focus on the details.  (see example above and at right...)

And even then, there was no clear winner.

I realized that I needed to try and come up with a set of criteria that was fair and equitable.  Because honestly, the criteria for the decision--for my decision at least--would dictate the decision.

My first thought was to decide whether I should judge based on sheer volume of display/bounteousness.  If I used that as my criteria, clearly The Mostess would win.  I mean she had (as far as I could tell), three entirely distinct areas for her display.  Ashley C., on the other hand, did not have as many areas or as much stuff.

And yet to go on that criteria alone would not have been fair because (since I've never been to either house), maybe The Mostess has a much bigger house and yard than Ashley C.  Or maybe Ashley C. is worried that if she puts out as much stuff in her display, it will mysteriously disappear during the night.

And also, as we all know, bigger isn't necessarily better (i.e. look at our bloated federal government) and good things come in small packages.

Then I thought, well maybe the criteria should be "restraint."  I mean Ashley C. would certainly agree with that.  ("...But also the key to a great Spooktacular display is RESTRAINT..."), so she could hardly fault me if I used that as my criteria.

"Restraint"

And in fact, if I did use "RESTRAINT" as my sole criteria, I think that Ashley C. would win.  Yes, it was smaller than The Mostess' display, but it was all there in one neat, tidy, balanced, symmetrical, pleasantly-arranged, visually-appealing, pyramid-like cornucopia of "bounteous" goodness.

But to use that would not be fair to The Mostess because she is apparently from the "Go Big or Go Home" school of thought.  And it probably is tougher to show restraint when you have a bigger porch area or more stuff to fit in to your display.

So then I decided that maybe the solution was to look at individual elements and to see what elements each person had.

I noticed that Ashley had a very festive wreath on her front door.  But then I looked at The Mostess' display and she too had a wreath that was perhaps even more festive.

Then I looked at The Mostess' and thought how great her cornstalks looked (she is from Iowa after all!).  Then I looked at Ashley C.'s blog and realized that she too had cornstalks (and apparently was the one who sacrificed life and limb to get them).

And so it went:

Vintage crates:  Check. Check.
Indian corn:  Check. Check.
Pumpkins:  Check. Check.
Squash:  Check.  Check.
Gourds:  Check. Check.
Fall Foliage (Leaves, grasses, branches, seed pods):  Check. Check. Check.


I could go on nearly all day!  (And sadly, you probably think I have--if you even read this far!)

So let's get on to some of the more important things:

PDR:

Ashley C. included her famous PDR.  But wait, The Mostess "saw" her PDR and raised her one Pilgrim's hat  PDR!  But before you get too excited, let's remember that Ashley C. was the one who came up with the PDR in the first place.  Call that one a draw.

This PDR stands for "Piece Deux Resistance"...

Cornucopia:

And we can't forget the Cornucopia.  What would Thanksgiving be without a Horn of Plenty?  The Mostess had one of course.  But Ashley C. made a calculated decision to omit the traditional horn because they are "played [out]".  Instead, Ashley C. went with a "whimsical" pumpkin turkey.

A Turkey - The "Lesser-Known" Thanksgiving Bird
(Behind Owls of Course!)

Did Ashley C. take a risk?  Yes, she did.  Did it pay off?  Yes.  But I still call this one a draw as well.

Trash-Talking:

Yes, what would a Display-Off be without the usual assortment of good-natured insults and jibes?  As you know, in this country the fourth Thursday of every November is a day of thanks (and turkeys) but "thankfully" Ashley C. and The Mostess do not let us forget that it is also a day for another "T"--Taunts.  ;)

The Mostess concludes her post by writing: "Bring it Carter!! Let's see what you got!"

Undaunted by The Mostess' jab, Ashley C. helps us by playfully including a "picture" of The Mostess' display.  

  

She also throws in a few verbal barbs along the way...all in good fun of course!  Edge:  Even.

Other Details:

And we really are down to details.  But don't despair.  I will cast my vote for a winner.  I'm too much of a sports fan to ever be satisfied with a tie.  Because having a tie is like kissing your sister. 

Ashley C.'s display incorporates some really cool "vintage-y" lanterns.  One is filled with small gourds and squashes (or is its squashi?).  The other appears to be filled with acorns.

The Mostess' display has vintage items like a picnic basket filled with Mums (sadly no mummies though) and a milk jug with grasses in it.  She also has some delicious looking green crab apples in a harvest basket (just don't eat them. I think they're plastic) and a tin bucket with a white pumpkin in it.

Conclusion:


Both displays have their merits.  There are lots of good points and really no bad points.

In the end, the criteria that I had to use was which of these Bountiful Harvest displays was most visually appealing on the whole.  They both incorporated many of the same elements and yet were original and different from each other.

Ashley C.'s greatest strength was the simplicity and concise layout of her display.  It really is amazing how she was able to pull so many disparate elements into one harmonious display.

The Mostess' talents were also on display and she showed why she has certainly lived up to her nickname.

On another day, with another set of criteria, my final vote could probably change, but for me, the difference maker in this contest was that The Mostess was able to incorporate the green crab apples and white pumpkin into her display and that is what put her over the top in my book.

Yes, The Mostess, the unique variety of colors do make this display "so inviting to guests as they walk up the path..."  ;)

Congratulations, my vote goes to: The Mostess!