The Batch: Cinderella's Coach

Cinderella's Coach

The Batch spares no expense when it comes to taking care of its Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Lavish wardrobe, hair and makeup budget, even transportation are all fully covered.   In years past, we've seen boats, private jets, and so many helicopters that it makes me wonder why there hasn't been a helicopter in sight this season.

Desiree's Coach

The answer may be that The Batch might have already blown its transportation budget on this 2013 Tiffany Blue Bentley Convertible.  MSRP on these babies, in case you were wondering, is almost $300,000.  I'm not sure if this is a product placement for Tiffany's, Bentley, or if the color was simply so garish that the dealership couldn't figure out anything else to do with the $300,000 car besides loan it to ABC/Disney for a month or two to be featured on The Batch.  As an official Disney princess, no expense is to be spared for our Bachelorette.

Tiffany Blue vs. Baby Blue

The guys all looked and acted appropriately jealous as Desiree drove off into the sunset with Brooks her expensive, brightly colored care.  I did have to take issue with one of the guys (I don't even care enough to know his name, I just know that he is a federal prosecutor and that later reveals to Desiree that he has some sort of manageable disease) whines about seeing Desiree and her date leave in "that baby blue Bentley."

I am a fashion idiot and I don't even pretend to know my colors, but any guy should be able to tell the difference between Tiffany Blue and Baby Blue.  Baby Blue is the color of the North Carolina Tarheels.  Tiffany Blue is the color that you spend a lot of money on when you get something nice expensive for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other.  I'm just embarrassed--as a guy--that he can't tell the difference.

The [Boring] 1on1 Dates:

Luck of the Irish?  Brooks' Green Tux made him look a bit like Seamus from the Disney movie...

Desiree's first 1on1 date was with Brooks.  Brooks is a former model.  Except that this season all of the contestants appear to be former models, so it might make more sense to just assume that they're all male models unless I tell you differently.

Brooks is kind of boring, but I have a feeling he may be around for a while.  They got dressed up as bride and groom (remember Desiree works in a bridal store).  Des looked beautiful in all of the gowns and Brooks looked like a leprechaun in this hideous green tuxedo that she made him try on.

Then they drove around LA and ended up with a private picnic at the HOLLYWOOD sign in the hills above Los Angeles.  They kiss.  Brooks remarks:  "This could be the first kiss with somebody that I spend the rest of my life with."  Something tells me that it won't be Desiree's last kiss of her life this season this episode.  :-/

Kiss Da Girl

The second date was perhaps more boring.  The guy was ex-military from Montana and had never been to the beach before.  He was in a really bad accident as a kid and showed Des some pics of himself in the ER and of his totaled truck. Des was just glad he was alive.  (Yes, he actually brought pics on the date to show Des.  See my comments below about "Oversharing".)

Later, he found himself in a hot tub with Des.  He looked painfully awkward as Des stared him down (all thoughts of Brooks evidently forgotten....).  Finally, Desiree had to channel her inner Ariel (yet another Disney princess) and tell him to just kiss her already.

I'm pretty sure that both dudes got roses.

#rightreasons

Mr. "Rated PG-13" Isn't There for the Right Reasons?

I've learned a few things about hashtags.  Besides being annoying and the secret to being an online marketing genius, hashtags are apparently hip.  You don't have to be able to even read them (i.e., don't use capital letters or spaces--no matter how long the hastagged phrase), but they should be funny (hopefully).  I reserve the right to throw them in occasionally in this post.

The group date involved 14 dudes making a rap video of an original song called: "Right Reasons."  Some rapper named Soulja Boy directed.  I have no idea who Soulja Boy is but the dudes all lied and acted like they'd heard of him.  He's probably about to launch a comeback...

Basically, the video proved the old adage about how models can't act--because none of these male models could act or sing a lick.  The video was terrible, despite having some clever sight gags and jabs at former Batch villains/tools/contestants.

Sadly, Desiree may have been the best rapper of the bunch...

Still, I liked it better when the #rightreasons cliche was something that felt like an inside joke for the audience and viewing public--not something that the producers and contestants taunt us about or rub in our faces.

By the time the segment was over, the phrase "right reasons" was as overplayed as the whole hashtag phenomenon.  I definitely heard that phrase way too much tonight!

Smarmy Ben ended up getting the rose on the group date.  The bad part was that we had to seen him gloat about it for the rest of the night.

Epidemic of Oversharing

I'm not sure what it is, but all of the contestants this year appear to have some inexplicable urge to share all of their "shortcomings" with Desiree right up front in their reality "relationships."  Ben brought his son to the very first night to "share" that he was a single dad.  Tonight, one of the contestants told Des about his druggie mom and troubled upbringing (not exactly the thing that inspires confidence that you are marriage material).
Then, during the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, the color blind federal prosecutor raced to button hole Desiree.  He felt that it was very important to let her know something very important about his personal health.  No, it's cancer and it's not a "communicable" disease--it's Type 1 diabetes!  Phew, based on his build up, I was expecting it to be something much worse.

Call me crazy, but there might be better things to bring up at the start of a relationship than your entire family or medical history--especially if it's kind of a downer.  Maybe, for example, a contestant might try to win Desiree's heart with his sparkling personality, quick wit, or model good lucks something fun/funny.

My friend (JC) who is very bright thinks that the producers must tell the contestants to overshare to boost the drama.  Of course the producers don't care if the contestants have any dignity by the time that they leave the show and the producers don't care who "wins" the show as long as the ratings are high.  I think the contestants need to ignore the producers.

Smarmy Ben (Off Camera) Interrupts the Announcement

But I digress.  During the midst of the color-blind federal prosecutor's soul baring session, Smarmy Ben interrupted to steal Des away.  The federal prosecutor was outraged!  Fireworks ensued as the townsfolk contestants lit their lanterns and gathered their pitchforks to chase off Frankenstein Smarmy Ben.

Ben is quickly becoming the favorite guy to hate amongst all the guys in the house.  On the one hand, it drives me crazy how the guys act like the title of the show is "Mr. Congeniality."  They are (purportedly) there to try and win Desiree's heart--not to bromance all the other dudes.  On the other hand, I am not a fan of Smarmy Ben and there is a certain sense of satisfaction in seeing all of the guys knock him down a peg or two (if that's even possible).

Here's my advice for the guys:  stop the oversharing and the catfighting and see if you have any actual connection with Des.  But of course, that would probably make for boring tv and that's why Fleiss and Harrison make the big bucks for this show.

The Dearly Departed

Say Good-Bye to Will (who admitted during the rap video that he couldn't dance), Robert (King of the Sign Spinners from Phoenix), and Nick M. (Who?)

From the previews, it looks like we are in for quite the drama next week.  Brian (yes, he's a model), is going to get a surprise visit at the Mansion from his ex girlfriend.  Shockingly, she is also a model.  (But not that good looking by the way.  Brian and his model girlfriend may well be the most forgettable looking model couple I've ever seen.  Oh well.)  I can hardly wait...