The Batch: Snow White and the 25 Dwarves

Snow White: The Batch's Latest Princess?

After casting such forgettable characters as Caveman (Ben Flajnik) and Ashley Hebert, ABC decided to leverage its Disney synergy by going deep into the vault to cast Snow White as the latest Bachelorette.  After all, who doesn't love a Disney princess?

Meet Desiree Hartsock.  While she may not be the "real" Snow White, she's pretty much a dead ringer for our cartoon princess.  After seeing the first episode of the season, I'm convinced that the Batch casting team is a big fan of hers, because they really did bring us 25 dwarves to star alongside Snow White/Desiree this season.  I don't know if I've ever seen a more perplexing, mixed-up, creepy, crazy, desperate, awkward, pathetic bunch of Batch contestants in the history of the show.  Hopefully by season's end, one of these bachelors will rise above the shortness of stature (figuratively speaking) of his comrades to win Desiree's heart.  It should make for a very interesting season...

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Let's recap some of more awkward moments from the first knight (we'll deal with him in a bit) night.

Top 3 Worst Limo Moments:

Doc aka Scary Larry

Larry actually is a doctor.  He came out and wanted to show Desiree a cool dance maneuver.  Only, it didn't go so smoothly.  At its best, it looked  pretty awkward.

"When I Dip, You Dip, We Dip..."

Then Larry went for the dip and Desiree tripped on the back of her gown.  Oops!  (Luckily, he kind of caught her.)

Then Larry spent the rest of the evening apologizing and obsessing over his slip-up.  He would have been better served to have just laughed it off and move on.  Instead, he swore as he walked off and the camera bleeped it out.  Way to stay classy, San Diego!  Desiree was not that impressed.

As if that wasn't bad enough, his one-on-one conversation with Desiree was kinda disturbing and downright stalkerish.  He alternated between psycho intense and desperate.  The conversation went something like this.  "I definitely watched Sean's season....You were my favorite...You looked like really hot....I'm excited its you.."  Desiree could only laugh nervously.  You know it's not going well when Desiree told him that he looked "Sleepy."  Seriously.  Maybe she had dwarves on the brain as well.

Diogo the "Happy" Knight

The sight of Diogo alone getting out of the limo was pretty dang awkward.  The pic above makes him look pretty decent in that suit of armor.  Trust me, seeing him slowly clank and clang from the limo up to Desiree did nothing to validate the iconic knight in shining armor from the fairy tales we all read as kids.

The best line of the night may have been when one of the other contestants warned him not to get too close to the water because he "might not float."

Unfortunately, when he got eliminated at the end, he wasn't so happy as he moped to the confessional camera about giving "everything" to come on the show and not knowing where to go from here.  "Sir" Diogo...please collect both your dignity and man card on your way out.  This was one night of your life...you will survive.

Micah Made His Own Clothes...

...that's just "Dopey."  Notice how Dopey's clothes don't really fit him all that well?  Neither did Micah's.

He tried to explain that he made his own clothes just like Desiree made her own dress for her first appearance on the show.  The difference is that Desiree looks good in the clothes that she made.

Yeah, it might not be the best subliminal message to send to your potential future spouse by showing up in a garish, hodge podge, hobo suit that you made yourself.  And check out the weird letters that Micah put on his suit across his chest...Is it just me or do they spell the word "HIDE?" I have a feeling that that was exactly what Desiree was thinking when she saw that awful ensemble.

It's one thing to try and stand out from the crowd.  It's quite another when you literally brand yourself with a scarlet letter or letters in this case.  It just didn't work.  And heaven knows that I am no expert on fashion, but even I could tell that it was a fashion disaster.

The Creeper

In my prior Batch preview post, I called this guy the "Stand-In Guy."  I can't dishonor the beloved Dwarfs by even attempting to give him a clever nickname.  He is simply the Creeper.

He notes for the confessional camera at one point in the episode that his "Mom thinks [he's] good looking and my love tank has not been depleted for years.  It's just been steadily depleting.  We're looking at a very big love tank."

Well at least his Mom thinks he's good looking, but does that really tell us anything?  I'm not really sure what he means by "love tank" but I'm pretty sure that I don't want to see it or look at it.  :-/

He started off by trying to give Desiree a room key moments after he stepped out of the limo.  She told him that she wasn't that type of girl.  Yay Desiree!

Later, during the cocktail party, he tried to maneuver her into some dark room so that he could "kiss Desiree on the mouth."  He literally told the camera that as well as the other contestants.  Desiree managed to escape his clutches for a second time.  You know it's bad when even Scary Larry is dissing you for being weird (which actually happened).

Finally, as if he hadn't done enough damage, and perhaps fueled by more alcohol, he tried for a third time.  Three strikes and you're out buddy.  Desiree sent him packing even before the Rose Ceremony.  Which makes me wonder if he was gone before the group shot was taken and that really was a cardboard cutout of him in that shot!

#hashtagguy

Kasey is a hot shot advertising executive.  Apparently, all you need to do to be a social media ad wiz is to throw the word "Hashtag" in front of everything you say.  #hashtagthis #hashtagthat

#listeningtohimsaythewordhashtaginfrontofeverythingthathesaidwasreallyannoying

Honestly, can we stop already with the overuse of the word "Hashtag?"  It's probably most annoying to hear him say it over and over again--especially when it doesn't mean anything.  (At least if you're using it on Twitter or Instagram it performs some sort of function.)  Even something that might have been clever like saying: "#shrinkage" (pronounced "hashtag shrinkage") when the shirtless guy jumped into the cold pool was annoying because it was so overdone.

I'm not sure much more I can take of this guy.  #sendhimhomenow

Shirtless Guy

Zak W.

You know how some single guys have an online dating profile where they claim that they look younger than they really are?  Like they look like they're 30 even though they're really 45?

Well, Zak W. is the opposite.  He's about 30, but looks way older than that.  At least his face does.  Yes, he does have great abs, but it seems like maybe there's not much more to his personality than the chiseled abs.

I'd love to report to you that his "courageous" act to forget his shirt (Desiree asked him if he'd forgotten something when he got out of the limo) earned him the first impression rose.  Well, he did get a pre-Rose Ceremony Rose, but I got the impression it was more of a Pity Rose than anything else.

He stripped down to his skivvies and jumped into the cold pool by himself.  By the time he got out of the pool, Desiree and all of the other bachelors were gone.  Later, she saw him shivering in the house and--almost as an afterthought--decided to give him a rose for jumping in the pool.  We'll see how long he lasts.  I won't be sad to see him go.

Future Villains?

Ben and James

Keep your eye on these two as I think that they are the best candidates to bring the drama this season.

Ben showed up with his kid popping out of the limo, but the previews lead us to believe that his Baby Mama may show up to confront him later on in the show.  Desiree seems really taken with him.  Or maybe just with his cute kid, but he seems a bit smarmy.

James is shown in the previews crying to Desiree about some other guy hitting him.  Someone needs to pull his man card.  As Tom Hanks once proclaimed: "There's no crying in baseball!"  The same holds true for the Batch.  You need to maintain your dignity.

The previews still hold out the promise that this will be THE MOST dramatic season ever of the Batch.  At the end of the the episode, Desiree had handed out her roses and this is how we stood: