How NOT To Do A Half Marathon

Today was the Laguna Hills Half Marathon.  I did it for the second time in 3 years.  When I did it two years ago, it was the longest race that I had ever done.  Today when I did it, I was wondering why in the heck I had decided to do it again!

The Course Elevation

The course is unique because it basically runs downhill and then finishes with its last 4.5 miles going pretty much all uphill.  Fun!

Here are 10 Steps on how NOT to do for a Half Marathon:

1. Preparation - This starts early.  Do a half Ironman about 3 weeks before the race.  Then go running exactly once before your half marathon.  This will ensure that your legs are well-rested and plenty fresh.
2. Nutrition - Don't carbo load the night before.  Who needs all the extra calories?  Also, don't really drink any extra water.  You can get all the water that you need at the aid stations along the course.
3. Sleep - One of my specialties.  You'll probably have a 5:30 a.m. wake up call, so you probably don't need to get to bed before about 2 a.m.   3-4 hours is more than adequate.
4. Procrastination - Don't bother registering early, you might decide not to do the race at the last minute and then you've wasted your hard-earned cash.  You should have plenty of time to register if you get to the race about 15 minutes before the gun goes off.  Of course, they'll have run out of t-shirts and medals, but those are for suckers.  They claim that they'll mail them to you, but do you really need "another" finisher medal to add to your collection?  
5. Stretching - See Procrastination above.  Don't worry about stretching.  That's what the first 2-3 miles are for.  You're not going to have time for it anyway.
6. Equipment - Slip some high tech inserts into your running shoes because they're scientifically guaranteed to make you run faster.  Realize about about mile 6.5 that they only thing that those high tech inserts are "making" you do is getting blisters all over both feet.
7. Brain Function - See two people that you know along the course.  Call both of them by the name of their brother/sister instead of their own.  Ignore the puzzled looks on their faces.  Blame it on the fact that your body is diverting all available oxygen to your legs, rather than your brain.
8. Photos - Carry your iPhone with you even though by mile 4, it feels like it weighs as much as a brick. Don't bother to take any pictures of yourself.  You don't want to remember what you look like at the finish line anyway.  Trust me, it's not good.  You're just glad you're still breathing and ambulatory.  Tell yourself that even the professional photos turn out even halfway decent, you'll consider paying $30 for one single shot.  Try to spy those professional photogs early and remember to smile.  Even if you feel like you'd rather collapse and die, fake it and make it look like you're having the time of your life.
9. Volunteers and Spectators - Be prepared to thank them for the many thankless tasks they're doing so that you can have a fun event.  Handing out water, picking up discarded water cups and other trash, and cheering for you.  Be amazed at how much energy you draw from some the cheering of random strangers.
10. Expectations - Be willing to lower them, if necessary.  Listen to your body telling you that it wants to stop and start walking about about mile 4.  Realize that despite everything above and the feeling that you "want" to stop or start walking, you don't actually "need" to do so.  Maybe you're training hasn't been as hopeless as you thought.  :-)  You manage to run the entire race without stopping or walking.  Be excited about that and call that a "success."  Redefining expectations has been the secret shortcut to success for eons. 

Camp Pendleton's World Famous Mud Run...

I can't wait for my next race.  After today's effort, it should be a piece of cake!  ;-)