Batch Preview: The Usual Suspects

Desiree Hartsock Holds Court

Boy time flies!  It seems like just the other day that Sean was finding his true love on the Batch and he and Catherine rode off on an elephant into the Siamese sunset together.

Well, for all of you wondering what to watch to fill the void on Monday nights after FHE is over, worry no more.  The Batch is back!  ABC recently released the above pic to help us "get excited" for the new season.  After 25 seasons (and how many successful marriages?), I guess it's worth getting excited for this new season since the show renews our faith in true love we all love watching the train wrecks that the contestants turn into and it's summer and there's really nothing else on tv.

I know nothing about any of the contestants (but don't worry, I won't let that stop me from blogging about them) and very little about Desiree--except that she was in Sean's season and the poor contestants can only hope that Mike Fleiss and Chris Harrison keep Desiree's brother far, far away from them.  Of course, knowing the Batch's formula for "success," I'm pretty sure Desiree's brother will be making an appearance or three at some point in the season.

Judging from the group shot above, it looks like as far as the contestants go, Fleiss, Harrison, and the Bachelor Casting Crew have brought back the "Usual Suspects" to try and win Desiree's heart.  Let me point out a few...

The Gimmick Guys:

Standouts?

These guys obviously decided that they needed a gimmick to stand out from the crowd.  This type of maneuver is not without precedent.  Who can forget Jeff Holm skating up to meet Emily Maynard on that fateful first night?  Or Lindsay Yenter--the? tipsy, wedding gown wearing substitute teacher--who nearly won Sean's heart away from Catherine.

Of course for every Jeff H. and Lindsay Y., there are countless other gimmicks that don't go over so well.  For  (And I'm not even referring to the one memorable would-be bachelorette who famously shrieked about how her "eggs [were] rotting" after she didn't make the cut on the first episode of her season.)

Speaking of eggs, do you remember "Horton" the Egg Guy (Travis) or "Name-Tag Guy" (Brent)--both from Emily's season?  Of course you don't!  Brent gave himself a name tag so that Emily wouldn't forget him that first night  He didn't get a rose.  Horton/Travis lasted a little bit longer...

Or how about the Man in the Iron Mask (Jeff from Ashley's season)?  He took the mask off and POOF!  He disappeared that very episode.  (I guess it killed the mystery for Ashley...)

Back to the two guys above.  All I know about one of them is that he apparently shaves his chest and probably fake bakes.  The other guy looks like a cross between a doctor (wearing a lab coat) and an extra from the movie "That Thing You Do."  Either that or he's on his way to audition for a role in "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."

They are going to need more than a gimmick if they expect to last more than an episode or two.

The Stand-In Guy:

Stand-In?

Is it just me or does this guy look like he is just a cardboard cutout stand-in?  Like the type that you use to take pictures with at the White House?

No Batch season would be complete without a contestant or two that seem to pop up out of nowhere halfway through the season only to get eliminated with hardly any screen time.  We're all left wondering who in the heck they were and where they've been all season.

I don't even know this guy's name, but hopefully (for him) he'll make a bit more of an impression on Desiree.

The Empty Suit Guy:

Suit of Armour

Sure, I could have put this guy with the Gimmick Guys, but that would have been way too obvious.  I'm not sure what this guy's deal is, but I'm sure he has some interesting explanation for his costume.  I'm betting that his backstory is that he is a recently, "de-elected" Washington D.C. politician, who has made his share of mistakes, but has made it his life's mission to fight for the middle class.  His stint on the Batch is meant to drive up his favorability ratings nationally and show America that he's worthy of a second chance and is more than just an empty suit.

Either that or Kasey Kahl is finally over Vienna (Sausage) and is taking his vow to "Guard and Protect" someone's heart way too seriously!

The Bow Tie Guy:

Every season some joker has to show up in a bow tie to let us know how cool he is or as a desperate cry for attention.  I wonder how many of them actually know how to tie a bow tie.  At least this guy looks like he's wearing a tux (but why???).  Which is the only time that I'd ever wear a bow tie!

The Token Minority Guy:

So much for diversity.  I could only spot one minority in the group photo.  The Batch franchise actually got sued last April by a couple of African-American men who claimed that the tv show discriminated against people of color.  The suit got tossed last October.  I guess Mike Fleiss and ABC et al. aren't too worried about a flood of copycat lawsuits.

The Hipster Guys:

Too cool for school?

Jeff H.--the ultimate hipster--became a sensation when he won over America with his cool demeanor and engaging dialogue.  He then managed to win Emily's heart too before the wheels came off the "reality" show romance last Fall.

These three look to be following in Jeff's footsteps.  They've got either the "no tie" look or have that tie undone a bit.  Facial scruff?  Check.  Good hair?  Check, check.  All the better to signal that they don't take this show--or themselves--too seriously and that they're not trying too hard.  From this picture it's impossible to tell if they also went with Vans tennis shoes and Bermuda shorts.  But on second thought, maybe Jeff H. is the only Batch contestant to successfully rock that look.

Heard any good hipster jokes lately?  Two hipsters walk into a bar.  The first one did it before it was cool and the second one did it ironically.  :-/

Or how about this one...How much does a hipster weigh?  An Instagram.  :-)

The Short Guy:

Every season, we get the short guy.  Big heart and warm, feel good story.  But still short.  Who can ever forget "The Weatherman" from Ali's season?  Well, I actually forgot his name, but I do remember that his season didn't go so smoothly for him.

He obviously didn't end up with the girl, but I think that the worst part was that the show could not have done anything to help poor Weatherman's on-air career.  Honestly, did anyone out there think that Weatherman's stint on the Batch added anything to his on-air gravitas (remember his kissing problem, which he later claimed to have been faking acting)?  It certainly doesn't seem like he's turned out to be the next Walter Cronkite--or Al Roker even.

I was curious to look up this guy's name.  It's Nick.  He looks shorter than Desiree in the group shot, but then again, she's probably wearing heels...His online bio makes him seem like a real charmer.  I confess I couldn't get past the first line:

I not sure what a "HMLW" really is, but I'm not sure that broadcasting the "W" word twice in the first line of your online bio is the best way to introduce yourself to America.  Way to keep it classy!  I predict that Nick may not "stick" (around that long).

Who Will Bring The Crazy?

The Tierrorist

One thing I can't tell from the picture above is who is going to bring the crazy?  Anyone seen Tierra lately?  Where is this season's Michelle Money?  Where is Bentley?  (Speaking of those last two...are any of these contestants from Utah?)  You know that someone in that picture is going to have at least one meltdown and probably several.

Despite the cast of Usual Suspects above, I have no doubt that Mike Fleiss and the Batch Storyboard Editors will manage to wave their magic wands and make this season THE MOST DRAMATIC Batch season in history!