The Rogues Gallery

Emily M.

First of all, I want to apologize to my readers for the photo that I put up in my last post.  It was big and it was obscene.  Even I don't want to look at it and I regret going so "low rent" on my blog--which is a family blog. I need to bury that post...stat!  I'd say that the picture above of Emily Maynard is a big improvement. (That may be the understatement of they year!)

I feel like the Bachelor producers, including Mike Fleiss and Chris Harrison, "owe" us this season because we had to suffer through the Caveman Bachelor last season.  One of the reasons why I did the "Beauty and the Beast" post was so that we could remember how truly, bitterly awful that last season was and thus appreciate this season all the more.

So without further ado, here is my recap:

The episode started with a recap of Emily's Bachelor history...Brad this...Brad that..Frankly, I was sick of Brad about a minute into the montage of video scenes.  I'm sure most of Bachelor-nation, however, loved it. The more shots of Brad the better.

Emily commented on how you're only supposed to be engaged to the person that you're going to marry.  Yet she has been engaged twice and never been married.  She acknowledged taking a "huge" risk to come on the show, but was willing to do it to find true love.

Perhaps I'm just a bit jaded here, but here's "A Little Advice For the Ladies"...Given the Bachelor/Bachelorette's track record of successful marriages, I daresay that the one place that you DO NOT go looking for true love would be this show!  Go on this show because you want to be romanced, travel to exotic locations, meet a fun person, go on helicopter rides, spend the night in a fantasy suite, or just because your life is boring.  Just don't fool yourself into thinking that you will actually meet the love of your life.  You won't.

Okay, my mini-rant is over....Now for the cast of characters:

Emily

"Stunning" -- That's how more than one contestant described Emily.
They must have all read the same talking points from the producers.

Did anyone else notice how often Emily made this face in the first few minutes?

Was it just me or did it seem like there was some chemistry between Chris Harrison and Emily?

Ricki

Ricki is undoubtedly going to be the breakout star of this season!

Onto the Rogues Gallery:

Alejandro

I've never met a mushroom farmer...

Ah yes, the mushroom farmer.  I wonder if he works at the famed Gilroy Gardens?  Wait, aren't mushrooms grown in manure and kept in the dark?  I'm just sayin'.  But I do appreciate his Spanish accent...muy lindo!  And Emily is a terrible Spanish speaker, but her "gringa" accent was very "chula tambien."

Alessandro

Beso, Beso..."That's how we do it back home."

Apparently Alessandro is a Minnesotan/Brazilian grain merchant and that combination yields quite the accent!  He's also a sly devil because he managed to plant two smackers on Emily--one on each cheek--and explained that "That's how we do it back home."  He didn't explain which home.  But I'm betting you're more likely to get kissed on the cheek in Florianapolis, Brazil rather than Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Emily's response to his Minnesotan-twanged Portuguese was pretty funny: "I'm gonna say Gracias!"

Arie

Dopplegangers?

Arie is the race car driver.  Is it just me or does he bear a striking resemblance to Ian Somerhalder from the Vampire Diaries?  Apparently, Arie is going to be a fan favorite this year.

I thought that it was interesting during the cocktail party when Arie asked Emily if she was okay with the fact that he was a race car driver.  Emily gave the biggest pregnant pause as she struggled desperately for words: "Ummm.....yeah, I am.  Totally."  Problem was that she didn't really seem all that okay with it.  I predict that it may be more difficult for her than she let's on.  Of course she did say: "He'd [Arie would] be hot in a race car."  I'm pretty sure that's why she's going to try really hard to get over any problems with Arie's race car career.

Brent

"Hello, My Name is __Brent___"

Here's Brent.  41.  Father of 6.  Doesn't he realize that this show is for the 20-Something and 30-Something crowd?  How did he make his way through casting??

Brent had a name tag to help us remember his name.  The deal was that he put the name tag on and then Emily was supposed to come take it off when she didn't "need it anymore."  The problem is that Brent didn't get very far before his name tag came off...(in fairness, he did have it back on at the cocktail party.)  The producers never did show us Emily taking off his name tag because she didn't need it anymore.

Now you see it...Now you don't (it's now in his hand)

But that didn't stop Brent from dumping all of his baggage on Emily's doorstep.  At the cocktail party, not only did he tell her that he had 6 kids, but he also brought pictures and forced Emily to look at them!  Here's a tip Brent...there is such a thing as "Too Much Too Soon."  You managed to find it!

Then I hated the pity party that Brent threw himself when he didn't get a rose.  The reason why he wasn't picked had less to do with his "advanced" age and six kids than it did with the fact that he just was not that personable.  Next time, he may want to leave the family pix at home and rely on building a connection based on his personality--not his stack of photos.


Charlie

Charlie: "I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart."

Charlie seems like a decent guy.  I hope he's all better from his traumatic brain injury.

Chris aka Bobblehead Guy

I couldn't bring myself to watch as they played Barbies Bobbleheads together,
but Emily seemed to dig it.

David

David - Singer/Songwriter

David is a singer/songwriter.  Apparently, he's really good at it.  If you don't believe me, just ask David.  He's not shy in letting us all know how talented he is.  He probably even penned that epic Carly Simon song: "You're So Vain."

"I don't want to like toot my own horn, but writing songs, comes natural--it's like walking...I've got a lot of songs specifically about trying to find true love.  [singing] Emilyyyyy, Emilyyyy, Emilyyyy, oh oh Emilyyyyy..."

Yes, that is a direct quote.  Check your DVR for the playback.  But after hearing his Ode to Emily, I'm a little concerned about his ability to walk.

I've got a lot of songs specifically about trying to find true love too.  Here's a sampling of some of my best ones:

• "Stacyyyyy, Stacyyyy, Stacyyyy, oh oh Stacyyyy..."
• "Kerryyyy, Keryyyy, Keryyyy, oh oh Keryyyy..."
• "Beckyyyy, Beckyyyy, Beckyyy, oh oh Beckyyyy..."

I know, I'm a natural!  Please don't get any thoughts about trying to steal my songs though.  I've got my attorney on speed-dial filing copyrights on these soon-to-be chart toppers as we speak.

Doug

TMI!

Doug's "a hugger, is that okay?"  He let that be known straightaway.  At least he saved Emily the indignity of trying to figure out whether to shake his hand, throw out a hug, or give him a high five.  He also let it be known that he "left a little boy at home" and then asked how Emily's daughter was doing.  It was polite, but probably more info than Emily needed to know about him in the first 60 seconds.

I guess he was trying to do anything he could to establish a connection with her.  It must have worked as he got the First Impression Rose.  I hope he's got more to his game than manipulating Emily by playing the "Single Parent Card."  They may have that in common, but I doubt that's enough for a lasting connection.

Horton/Travis

This egg is a symbol of Horton's love...

I refuse to call this man anything other than Horton.  Seeing him and his ostrich egg took me right back to junior high school where they used to make you take care of an egg so that you could be prepared to be a good parent.  What a gimmick!  Color me un-impressed...

It would have been great if Emily had dropped the egg or if Horton had plopped the egg down the minute he went into the cocktail party with the other guys.  Here's a little secret about ostrich eggs though....those suckers are hard!  You practically need an ax to crack one open.  So I think Horton built himself a little bit of a fudge factor into his whole egg experiment.  How did he manage to get a rose!!!

Jackson (the Fitness Model)

First Awkward Moment of the Night

Jackson came up, got down on one knee, and proclaimed: "Life's not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.  This is one of those moments."  I cringed.  Was Emily really falling for this?  I couldn't tell at first.

Later, we learned that she wasn't.  Sadly, Jackson didn't get a rose.  He was pissed that Emily missed out on him--a self-described great guy, but he was even more pissed that America missed out on a chance to appreciate his body.  Not to worry though, he was willing to strip down to show the women of America exactly what Emily was missing out on.  I know, classy right?

Jef (with only one F)

Emily, your chariot has arrived!

Jef seems proud that people don't take him seriously.  I'm not so sure that I'd be proud of that myself if it were true about me.  He does know how to make an entrance and I give him props for that.  Emily clearly appeared a little smitten.  No wonder that he got a rose.

Joe

Joe is dancing off into the sunset...

Joe is excited to be there.  Can you tell.  His awkward dance moves showed plenty of enthusiasm, but very little rhythm.

Kalon/Helicopter Dude

The other dudes were jealous.

I was actually hoping that this would be Bentley.  Maybe we'll see Bentley in a future episode.  I have faith in him that he would bring the crazy!

I'm not sure that I like Kalon, but that's okay.  There's no shortage of love for Kalon by Kalon himself.  And he is loathed by the other guys.  I see lots of friction there and grist for the controversy mill that Fleiss/Harrison know how to stoke so well.

Lerone

Lerone from L.A.

I thought it was a bit odd when Lerone told us that one of the most attractive things about Emily was that she was a single mother.  He even said it a second time when he actually met Emily.  I still didn't believe it.

Apparently neither did Emily.  He didn't get a rose and was sent home packing.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but I think he was trying too hard to be the "sensitive" guy.  Problem was that he didn't seem all that sincere.

You'd think that since he's from L.A. he would know that once you can fake sincerity, you can do anything.  That philosophy is practically what built Los Angeles.  They don't call it La La Land for nothing.

Nate

Nate is an accountant

Nate seemed like a normal, decent guy and I think he will go far.  It's never a bad thing when a woman remarks: "You smell really good."  Did you notice how Emily reached out to hold his hands again?  Then as Nate walked off, Emily whispered: "So cute!"  I think she's definitely into him.

Randy/Granny

This may have been the weirdest moment of the night!

I don't even know where to start with this!  I was tempted to say nothing, but then was reminded that Granny/Randy is a marketing manager.  Shocking!  I'd say he did a pretty poor job of marketing himself.  I guess Emily and I are on the same wave length.  Poor Randy didn't get a rose.  :(

Stevie

"Party people in da house tonight...Shake dat!"

I'll say this for Stevie (the so-called Party MC), he's a better dancer than I am.  Then again, that's not really saying that much.  But he did make a memorable entrance with his handheld boombox.  I actually thought that it was kind of cool.

Stevie later turned snarky when he lit into Helicopter Dude.  It wasn't all that becoming.  Good thing that Emily didn't see, because it would have been an instant turnoff.

Tony

Tony from Oregon: "Well, this is a great batch we got here."

Yes, Tony, you don't have to be in the lumber business to realize how good this wood looks.  It's even stacked up right there all neat and orderly.  Tony has a 5 year old kid and he looks like a doting single father.  I actually liked him but should have guessed that he was a little corny when he came up with the following line in his introductory scene: "What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily?  This guy."

Tony is all thumbs apparently

Tony would then go on to ruin it for me by showing up to meet  Emily with a real glass slipper.  On a pillow.  And introducing himself by saying: "My name is Bond Charming.  James Bond Prince Charming."  No he didn't.  Oh yes he did!   I'm surprised Emily didn't send him back to the limo right there and then.

It was complete with a real shoe fitting.  Obviously the producers clued him into her real shoe size.  Emily, to her credit, said what I believe every woman truly thinks: "I believe in true love and I believe in shoes, so you know me well."  Maybe she really did like it???

"The name is Charming, Prince Charming..."

Adios

The Not-So-Dearly Departed...

In the end, we said good-bye to these six gentlemen.  We could have easily said good-bye to five more in my book and not even skipped a beat.  Still, I think that there are a couple of guys that Emily seems interested in.  It should be an interesting season!