I was walking through Walmart this evening, minding my own business, when I happened to look up as I whizzed past the checkout stands and this magazine cover caught my eye. Is anyone really that surprised? What may be surprising is that it's only been what? About 3 weeks since the season finale?
I feel bad for Des especially because she seemed so likable and I think she really gave her heart to What's-His-Face, only to have him casually toss it away. Unfortunately, while the show can be entertaining (and some would doubt that there was much entertainment value in this past season due to the crop of duds bachelors dredged up by ABC's casting department), its track record for producing lasting relationships is abysmal.
Is anyone out there still watching the Batch? I didn't think so. So last night, Des' fairy tale got interrupted when one of her suitors--Brooks from Salt Lake City--dropped the bomb on her. So, as it turns out, Brooks just isn't that into her.
Des was devastated and it was probably one of the most real moments that I've ever seen on any "reality" tv show--The Batch or otherwise. She cried. Brooks cried. I took no pleasure in it. In fact, my heart went out to Des because I thought that her reaction was so genuine and so sincere.
I also really liked the way that Des handled it with class--a quality that is growing increasingly rare in our society. She told him that she didn't care what he said, that she still loved him, and that she wasn't afraid to say it, even as Brooks was casting her aside.
And then Des told Brooks something that I think every guy (and certainly every contestant on The Batch) dreams of hearing someday:
Des: "You want to know why I was conflicted throughout this whole thing? Cause I didn't want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you. That's why I was conflicted. And when I was going on dates, I wanted to go on dates with you. And that was why, this entire thing, I have been conflicted."
Brooks' incredibly articulate response (I guess to himself???): "Sorry, I'll shut up. It's not helping."
I know that it's hard to believe that a young (presumably) Mormon dude might have commitment issues (even with a beautiful, articulate, classy girl). I mean Brooks, has been around the world to exotic locations and one-of-a-kind dates with an incredibly beautiful, vibrant, famous, and possibly wealthy(?) young woman who is totally into him...what more could he possibly want? Of course, for all Brooks knows, there might be someone incredibly better around the corner for him, so the smart move was definitely to let Des go. :-/
Brooks attempts to comfort Des
Yes, Brooks is a dufus. But I guess I respect him for at least telling Des now rather than going through the farce of having her pick him only to break up 3 months down the road. Of course, no Batch contestant would ever fake a relationship just for the show...
...well you know, other than Jef (with one F) and Emily; Jason Mesnick and whats-her-face; Jake Pavelka and Vienna (Snausages); Kasey ("Guard and Protect Your Heart") Kahl.... Oh nevermind!
My guess is that Des shuts it down. There will be no hometown for the guys to meet Des' family (thank heavens for small favors that we don't have to see her brother again) and there will be no proposal. It could well be the most dramatic Bachelor finale ever. And this time they might actually be right.
The Batch spares no expense when it comes to taking care of its Bachelor/Bachelorette. Lavish wardrobe, hair and makeup budget, even transportation are all fully covered. In years past, we've seen boats, private jets, and so many helicopters that it makes me wonder why there hasn't been a helicopter in sight this season.
Desiree's Coach
The answer may be that The Batch might have already blown its transportation budget on this 2013 Tiffany Blue Bentley Convertible. MSRP on these babies, in case you were wondering, is almost $300,000. I'm not sure if this is a product placement for Tiffany's, Bentley, or if the color was simply so garish that the dealership couldn't figure out anything else to do with the $300,000 car besides loan it to ABC/Disney for a month or two to be featured on The Batch. As an official Disney princess, no expense is to be spared for our Bachelorette.
Tiffany Blue vs. Baby Blue
The guys all looked and acted appropriately jealous as Desiree drove off into the sunset with Brooks her expensive, brightly colored care. I did have to take issue with one of the guys (I don't even care enough to know his name, I just know that he is a federal prosecutor and that later reveals to Desiree that he has some sort of manageable disease) whines about seeing Desiree and her date leave in "that baby blue Bentley."
I am a fashion idiot and I don't even pretend to know my colors, but any guy should be able to tell the difference between Tiffany Blue and Baby Blue. Baby Blue is the color of the North Carolina Tarheels. Tiffany Blue is the color that you spend a lot of money on when you get something nice expensive for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other. I'm just embarrassed--as a guy--that he can't tell the difference.
The [Boring] 1on1 Dates:
Luck of the Irish? Brooks' Green Tux made him look a bit like Seamus from the Disney movie...
Desiree's first 1on1 date was with Brooks. Brooks is a former model. Except that this season all of the contestants appear to be former models, so it might make more sense to just assume that they're all male models unless I tell you differently.
Brooks is kind of boring, but I have a feeling he may be around for a while. They got dressed up as bride and groom (remember Desiree works in a bridal store). Des looked beautiful in all of the gowns and Brooks looked like a leprechaun in this hideous green tuxedo that she made him try on.
Then they drove around LA and ended up with a private picnic at the HOLLYWOOD sign in the hills above Los Angeles. They kiss. Brooks remarks: "This could be the first kiss with somebody that I spend the rest of my life with." Something tells me that it won't be Desiree's last kiss of her lifethis season this episode. :-/
Kiss Da Girl
The second date was perhaps more boring. The guy was ex-military from Montana and had never been to the beach before. He was in a really bad accident as a kid and showed Des some pics of himself in the ER and of his totaled truck. Des was just glad he was alive. (Yes, he actually brought pics on the date to show Des. See my comments below about "Oversharing".)
Later, he found himself in a hot tub with Des. He looked painfully awkward as Des stared him down (all thoughts of Brooks evidently forgotten....). Finally, Desiree had to channel her inner Ariel (yet another Disney princess) and tell him to just kiss her already.
I'm pretty sure that both dudes got roses.
#rightreasons
Mr. "Rated PG-13" Isn't There for the Right Reasons?
I've learned a few things about hashtags. Besides being annoying and the secret to being an online marketing genius, hashtags are apparently hip. You don't have to be able to even read them (i.e., don't use capital letters or spaces--no matter how long the hastagged phrase), but they should be funny (hopefully). I reserve the right to throw them in occasionally in this post.
The group date involved 14 dudes making a rap video of an original song called: "Right Reasons." Some rapper named Soulja Boy directed. I have no idea who Soulja Boy is but the dudes all lied and acted like they'd heard of him. He's probably about to launch a comeback...
Basically, the video proved the old adage about how models can't act--because none of these male models could act or sing a lick. The video was terrible, despite having some clever sight gags and jabs at former Batch villains/tools/contestants.
Sadly, Desiree may have been the best rapper of the bunch...
Still, I liked it better when the #rightreasons cliche was something that felt like an inside joke for the audience and viewing public--not something that the producers and contestants taunt us about or rub in our faces.
By the time the segment was over, the phrase "right reasons" was as overplayed as the whole hashtag phenomenon. I definitely heard that phrase way too much tonight!
Smarmy Ben ended up getting the rose on the group date. The bad part was that we had to seen him gloat about it for the rest of the night.
Epidemic of Oversharing
I'm not sure what it is, but all of the contestants this year appear to have some inexplicable urge to share all of their "shortcomings" with Desiree right up front in their reality "relationships." Ben brought his son to the very first night to "share" that he was a single dad. Tonight, one of the contestants told Des about his druggie mom and troubled upbringing (not exactly the thing that inspires confidence that you are marriage material).
Then, during the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, the color blind federal prosecutor raced to button hole Desiree. He felt that it was very important to let her know something very important about his personal health. No, it's cancer and it's not a "communicable" disease--it's Type 1 diabetes! Phew, based on his build up, I was expecting it to be something much worse.
Call me crazy, but there might be better things to bring up at the start of a relationship than your entire family or medical history--especially if it's kind of a downer. Maybe, for example, a contestant might try to win Desiree's heart with his sparkling personality, quick wit, or model good lucks something fun/funny.
My friend (JC) who is very bright thinks that the producers must tell the contestants to overshare to boost the drama. Of course the producers don't care if the contestants have any dignity by the time that they leave the show and the producers don't care who "wins" the show as long as the ratings are high. I think the contestants need to ignore the producers.
Smarmy Ben (Off Camera) Interrupts the Announcement
But I digress. During the midst of the color-blind federal prosecutor's soul baring session, Smarmy Ben interrupted to steal Des away. The federal prosecutor was outraged! Fireworks ensued as the townsfolk contestants lit their lanterns and gathered their pitchforks to chase off Frankenstein Smarmy Ben.
Ben is quickly becoming the favorite guy to hate amongst all the guys in the house. On the one hand, it drives me crazy how the guys act like the title of the show is "Mr. Congeniality." They are (purportedly) there to try and win Desiree's heart--not to bromance all the other dudes. On the other hand, I am not a fan of Smarmy Ben and there is a certain sense of satisfaction in seeing all of the guys knock him down a peg or two (if that's even possible).
Here's my advice for the guys: stop the oversharing and the catfighting and see if you have any actual connection with Des. But of course, that would probably make for boring tv and that's why Fleiss and Harrison make the big bucks for this show.
The Dearly Departed
Say Good-Bye to Will (who admitted during the rap video that he couldn't dance), Robert (King of the Sign Spinners from Phoenix), and Nick M. (Who?)
From the previews, it looks like we are in for quite the drama next week. Brian (yes, he's a model), is going to get a surprise visit at the Mansion from his ex girlfriend. Shockingly, she is also a model. (But not that good looking by the way. Brian and his model girlfriend may well be the most forgettable looking model couple I've ever seen. Oh well.) I can hardly wait...
After casting such forgettable characters as Caveman (Ben Flajnik) and Ashley Hebert, ABC decided to leverage its Disney synergy by going deep into the vault to cast Snow White as the latest Bachelorette. After all, who doesn't love a Disney princess?
Meet Desiree Hartsock. While she may not be the "real" Snow White, she's pretty much a dead ringer for our cartoon princess. After seeing the first episode of the season, I'm convinced that the Batch casting team is a big fan of hers, because they really did bring us 25 dwarves to star alongside Snow White/Desiree this season. I don't know if I've ever seen a more perplexing, mixed-up, creepy, crazy, desperate, awkward, pathetic bunch of Batch contestants in the history of the show. Hopefully by season's end, one of these bachelors will rise above the shortness of stature (figuratively speaking) of his comrades to win Desiree's heart. It should make for a very interesting season...
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...
Let's recap some of more awkward moments from the first knight (we'll deal with him in a bit) night.
Top 3 Worst Limo Moments:
Doc aka Scary Larry
Larry actually is a doctor. He came out and wanted to show Desiree a cool dance maneuver. Only, it didn't go so smoothly. At its best, it looked pretty awkward.
"When I Dip, You Dip, We Dip..."
Then Larry went for the dip and Desiree tripped on the back of her gown. Oops! (Luckily, he kind of caught her.)
Then Larry spent the rest of the evening apologizing and obsessing over his slip-up. He would have been better served to have just laughed it off and move on. Instead, he swore as he walked off and the camera bleeped it out. Way to stay classy, San Diego! Desiree was not that impressed.
As if that wasn't bad enough, his one-on-one conversation with Desiree was kinda disturbing and downright stalkerish. He alternated between psycho intense and desperate. The conversation went something like this. "I definitely watched Sean's season....You were my favorite...You looked like really hot....I'm excited its you.." Desiree could only laugh nervously. You know it's not going well when Desiree told him that he looked "Sleepy." Seriously. Maybe she had dwarves on the brain as well.
Diogo the "Happy" Knight
The sight of Diogo alone getting out of the limo was pretty dang awkward. The pic above makes him look pretty decent in that suit of armor. Trust me, seeing him slowly clank and clang from the limo up to Desiree did nothing to validate the iconic knight in shining armor from the fairy tales we all read as kids.
The best line of the night may have been when one of the other contestants warned him not to get too close to the water because he "might not float."
Unfortunately, when he got eliminated at the end, he wasn't so happy as he moped to the confessional camera about giving "everything" to come on the show and not knowing where to go from here. "Sir" Diogo...please collect both your dignity and man card on your way out. This was one night of your life...you will survive.
Micah Made His Own Clothes...
...that's just "Dopey." Notice how Dopey's clothes don't really fit him all that well? Neither did Micah's.
He tried to explain that he made his own clothes just like Desiree made her own dress for her first appearance on the show. The difference is that Desiree looks good in the clothes that she made.
Yeah, it might not be the best subliminal message to send to your potential future spouse by showing up in a garish, hodge podge, hobo suit that you made yourself. And check out the weird letters that Micah put on his suit across his chest...Is it just me or do they spell the word "HIDE?" I have a feeling that that was exactly what Desiree was thinking when she saw that awful ensemble.
It's one thing to try and stand out from the crowd. It's quite another when you literally brand yourself with a scarlet letter or letters in this case. It just didn't work. And heaven knows that I am no expert on fashion, but even I could tell that it was a fashion disaster.
He notes for the confessional camera at one point in the episode that his "Mom thinks [he's] good looking and my love tank has not been depleted for years. It's just been steadily depleting. We're looking at a very big love tank."
Well at least his Mom thinks he's good looking, but does that really tell us anything? I'm not really sure what he means by "love tank" but I'm pretty sure that I don't want to see it or look at it. :-/
He started off by trying to give Desiree a room key moments after he stepped out of the limo. She told him that she wasn't that type of girl. Yay Desiree!
Later, during the cocktail party, he tried to maneuver her into some dark room so that he could "kiss Desiree on the mouth." He literally told the camera that as well as the other contestants. Desiree managed to escape his clutches for a second time. You know it's bad when even Scary Larry is dissing you for being weird (which actually happened).
Finally, as if he hadn't done enough damage, and perhaps fueled by more alcohol, he tried for a third time. Three strikes and you're out buddy. Desiree sent him packing even before the Rose Ceremony. Which makes me wonder if he was gone before the group shot was taken and that really was a cardboard cutout of him in that shot!
#hashtagguy
Kasey is a hot shot advertising executive. Apparently, all you need to do to be a social media ad wiz is to throw the word "Hashtag" in front of everything you say. #hashtagthis #hashtagthat
Honestly, can we stop already with the overuse of the word "Hashtag?" It's probably most annoying to hear him say it over and over again--especially when it doesn't mean anything. (At least if you're using it on Twitter or Instagram it performs some sort of function.) Even something that might have been clever like saying: "#shrinkage" (pronounced "hashtag shrinkage") when the shirtless guy jumped into the cold pool was annoying because it was so overdone.
I'm not sure much more I can take of this guy. #sendhimhomenow
Shirtless Guy
Zak W.
You know how some single guys have an online dating profile where they claim that they look younger than they really are? Like they look like they're 30 even though they're really 45?
Well, Zak W. is the opposite. He's about 30, but looks way older than that. At least his face does. Yes, he does have great abs, but it seems like maybe there's not much more to his personality than the chiseled abs.
I'd love to report to you that his "courageous" act to forget his shirt (Desiree asked him if he'd forgotten something when he got out of the limo) earned him the first impression rose. Well, he did get a pre-Rose Ceremony Rose, but I got the impression it was more of a Pity Rose than anything else.
He stripped down to his skivvies and jumped into the cold pool by himself. By the time he got out of the pool, Desiree and all of the other bachelors were gone. Later, she saw him shivering in the house and--almost as an afterthought--decided to give him a rose for jumping in the pool. We'll see how long he lasts. I won't be sad to see him go.
Future Villains?
Ben and James
Keep your eye on these two as I think that they are the best candidates to bring the drama this season.
Ben showed up with his kid popping out of the limo, but the previews lead us to believe that his Baby Mama may show up to confront him later on in the show. Desiree seems really taken with him. Or maybe just with his cute kid, but he seems a bit smarmy.
James is shown in the previews crying to Desiree about some other guy hitting him. Someone needs to pull his man card. As Tom Hanks once proclaimed: "There's no crying in baseball!" The same holds true for the Batch. You need to maintain your dignity.
The previews still hold out the promise that this will be THE MOST dramatic season ever of the Batch. At the end of the the episode, Desiree had handed out her roses and this is how we stood:
Boy time flies! It seems like just the other day that Sean was finding his true love on the Batch and he and Catherine rode off on an elephant into the Siamese sunset together.
Well, for all of you wondering what to watch to fill the void on Monday nights after FHE is over, worry no more. The Batch is back! ABC recently released the above pic to help us "get excited" for the new season. After 25 seasons (and how many successful marriages?), I guess it's worth getting excited for this new season since the show renews our faith in true love we all love watching the train wrecks that the contestants turn into and it's summer and there's really nothing else on tv.
I know nothing about any of the contestants (but don't worry, I won't let that stop me from blogging about them) and very little about Desiree--except that she was in Sean's season and the poor contestants can only hope that Mike Fleiss and Chris Harrison keep Desiree's brother far, far away from them. Of course, knowing the Batch's formula for "success," I'm pretty sure Desiree's brother will be making an appearance or three at some point in the season.
Judging from the group shot above, it looks like as far as the contestants go, Fleiss, Harrison, and the Bachelor Casting Crew have brought back the "Usual Suspects" to try and win Desiree's heart. Let me point out a few...
The Gimmick Guys:
Standouts?
These guys obviously decided that they needed a gimmick to stand out from the crowd. This type of maneuver is not without precedent. Who can forget Jeff Holm skating up to meet Emily Maynard on that fateful first night? Or Lindsay Yenter--the? tipsy, wedding gown wearing substitute teacher--who nearly won Sean's heart away from Catherine.
Of course for every Jeff H. and Lindsay Y., there are countless other gimmicks that don't go over so well. For (And I'm not even referring to the one memorable would-be bachelorette who famously shrieked about how her "eggs [were] rotting" after she didn't make the cut on the first episode of her season.)
Or how about the Man in the Iron Mask (Jeff from Ashley's season)? He took the mask off and POOF! He disappeared that very episode. (I guess it killed the mystery for Ashley...)
Back to the two guys above. All I know about one of them is that he apparently shaves his chest and probably fake bakes. The other guy looks like a cross between a doctor (wearing a lab coat) and an extra from the movie "That Thing You Do." Either that or he's on his way to audition for a role in "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
They are going to need more than a gimmick if they expect to last more than an episode or two.
The Stand-In Guy:
Stand-In?
Is it just me or does this guy look like he is just a cardboard cutout stand-in? Like the type that you use to take pictures with at the White House?
No Batch season would be complete without a contestant or two that seem to pop up out of nowhere halfway through the season only to get eliminated with hardly any screen time. We're all left wondering who in the heck they were and where they've been all season.
I don't even know this guy's name, but hopefully (for him) he'll make a bit more of an impression on Desiree.
The Empty Suit Guy:
Suit of Armour
Sure, I could have put this guy with the Gimmick Guys, but that would have been way too obvious. I'm not sure what this guy's deal is, but I'm sure he has some interesting explanation for his costume. I'm betting that his backstory is that he is a recently, "de-elected" Washington D.C. politician, who has made his share of mistakes, but has made it his life's mission to fight for the middle class. His stint on the Batch is meant to drive up his favorability ratings nationally and show America that he's worthy of a second chance and is more than just an empty suit.
Either that or Kasey Kahl is finally over Vienna (Sausage) and is taking his vow to "Guard and Protect" someone's heart way too seriously!
The Bow Tie Guy:
Every season some joker has to show up in a bow tie to let us know how cool he is or as a desperate cry for attention. I wonder how many of them actually know how to tie a bow tie. At least this guy looks like he's wearing a tux (but why???). Which is the only time that I'd ever wear a bow tie!
The Token Minority Guy:
So much for diversity. I could only spot one minority in the group photo. The Batch franchise actually got sued last April by a couple of African-American men who claimed that the tv show discriminated against people of color. The suit got tossed last October. I guess Mike Fleiss and ABC et al. aren't too worried about a flood of copycat lawsuits.
The Hipster Guys:
Too cool for school?
Jeff H.--the ultimate hipster--became a sensation when he won over America with his cool demeanor and engaging dialogue. He then managed to win Emily's heart too before the wheels came off the "reality" show romance last Fall.
These three look to be following in Jeff's footsteps. They've got either the "no tie" look or have that tie undone a bit. Facial scruff? Check. Good hair? Check, check. All the better to signal that they don't take this show--or themselves--too seriously and that they're not trying too hard. From this picture it's impossible to tell if they also went with Vans tennis shoes and Bermuda shorts. But on second thought, maybe Jeff H. is the only Batch contestant to successfully rock that look.
Heard any good hipster jokes lately? Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool and the second one did it ironically. :-/
Or how about this one...How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram. :-)
The Short Guy:
Every season, we get the short guy. Big heart and warm, feel good story. But still short. Who can ever forget "The Weatherman" from Ali's season? Well, I actually forgot his name, but I do remember that his season didn't go so smoothly for him.
He obviously didn't end up with the girl, but I think that the worst part was that the show could not have done anything to help poor Weatherman's on-air career. Honestly, did anyone out there think that Weatherman's stint on the Batch added anything to his on-air gravitas (remember his kissing problem, which he later claimed to have been faking acting)? It certainly doesn't seem like he's turned out to be the next Walter Cronkite--or Al Roker even.
I was curious to look up this guy's name. It's Nick. He looks shorter than Desiree in the group shot, but then again, she's probably wearing heels...His online bio makes him seem like a real charmer. I confess I couldn't get past the first line:
I not sure what a "HMLW" really is, but I'm not sure that broadcasting the "W" word twice in the first line of your online bio is the best way to introduce yourself to America. Way to keep it classy! I predict that Nick may not "stick" (around that long).
Who Will Bring The Crazy?
The Tierrorist
One thing I can't tell from the picture above is who is going to bring the crazy? Anyone seen Tierra lately? Where is this season's Michelle Money? Where is Bentley? (Speaking of those last two...are any of these contestants from Utah?) You know that someone in that picture is going to have at least one meltdown and probably several.
Despite the cast of Usual Suspects above, I have no doubt that Mike Fleiss and the Batch Storyboard Editors will manage to wave their magic wands and make this season THE MOST DRAMATIC Batch season in history!
I saw this magazine on the rack at Costco today. My first thought was a variation of Mark Twain's famous quote: "There are lies, damned lies, and tabloid magazine covers!"
The article itself was, unfortunately, fairly convincing. I hope it's not true because I like Emily. And I like Jef. And I like Emily and Jef together. But given the Bachelor franchise's track record for creating successful relationships...
...I'm afraid that there may be something true in there somewhere. (If there isn't, I know a good lawyer that would love to take Jef and Emily's case!)
Reality Czech? Fonzi Gets Ready to Literally Jump a Shark
This week's edition of The Batchelorette took us to the Czech Republic--Prague to be exact. It also may be the moment that the venerable series finally "jumped the shark."
(for your viewing pleasure...the actual clip from Happy Days circa 1977)
Why do I think The Batch jumped the shark? How did The Batch do it? Read on, intrepid Bachelorette fan...
Prague:
Prague is beautiful...
The episode starts off with everyone from Emily, to the batchelors, to Chris Harrison regaling us with how beautiful Prague is. I'm surprised no one decided to give us that old "Batch" stand-bye line: "I'm ready to take this to the next level""I'm not looking for a type, I'm looking for a connection" "If you're looking to fall in love, Prague is the perfect place to do it."
...but so is Emily (and let's face it, that's why we watch)
Arie's Date:
Arie and Emily Stroll Hand in Hand Through Prague
Poor Arie. As he and Emily left on their date, Emily claimed that she wanted to treat the afternoon as if she were in Prague with her husband and doing the things that she and her husband wanted to do. Little did Arie suspect that Emily was literally correct.
Even though Emily has never been married, she instinctually knows how to play the game that every wife plays on her husband eventually..."I Know A Secret." You see, Emily has found out a secret about Arie. Except that Arie doesn't know that Emily knows what the secret is. The secret, of course, is that Arie had some sort of dating relationship with one of The Batch's producers. This producer (Cassie) has finally confided in Arie, but Arie doesn't know this. Arie thinks that Cassie is continuing to keep their little secret.
We see Emily leading Arie blithely down the primrose path:
"Arie, don't you think loyalty is important?"
"Arie, rub the dog for loyalty...you should do it twice, extra...that's a big one."
"Do you feel like you're really open with me?"
"Do you think you're trustworthy? [Arie foolishly takes the bait and responds:] I think I'm very trustworthy."
"I like having no secrets."
[Arie] "It's better to be almost too honest."
Arie then fessed up to having had a tattoo removed. The tattoo was of an ex's name. Emily's disappointment at this non-admission was palpable.
Gentleman, here's a little tip: If your wife starts asking a bunch of seemingly innocent questions, you should see red flags flying. Those questions are not-so-innocent! You need to figure out what the purpose behind those questions is and address that issue, stat!
The Infomercial Interlude:
"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison..."
(as if we didn't know who he was!)
Chris Harrison interrupted this episode to bring us a very important message about a Batchelorette scandal that we might have heard about or even (gasp!) read about. I want to know exactly who Chris Harrison is??? Does he think that we just sit around doctor's offices Massage Envy leafing through copies of magazines like People or Us just to read the latest gossip on the show? Please!
Umm...how did this pic get in here?
We have some shreds of dignity remaining despite the fact that we carve out two hours every Monday for this importanthitsomewhat entertaining television show.
Chris Harrison claims that Cassie took it upon herself to "inform" Emily as soon as it became obvious that Emily was developing feelings for Arie. The scuttlebutt is that Cassie has been feeding inside info to Arie. We all know that Arie has been saying all the right things all along. It makes one wonder if Cassie is perhaps at least part of the reason that Arie is hitting all the right notes.
"Some time ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert..."
Unfortunately, due to Chris Harrison's complete lack of investigative reporting instincts, we are left to know who knew what and when did they know it? I know this isn't exactly Watergate, for goodness sake, but Chris Harrison's infomercial had more holes in it than the Warren Commission's Report.
Not to worry though Arie fans, Chris Harrison let us know that Arie, Emily, and Cassie had a very "honest" discussion amongst themselves and that Emily realized that it was all a "misunderstanding" and that her feelings for Arie were strong enough to overcome it.
That's the good news. The bad news is that, even though this is a so-called "reality" show, no one bothered to put this little soiree "on camera." Really, Chris? I mean, I know the chit-chat session between Emily, Arie, and Cassie was not exactly a nuclear summit between the superpowers, but don't you think at least one person might have actually thought to turn the cameras on? This is just not believable and was the first "Jump the Shark" moment in the episode...
But let's also be honest (since honesty is apparently so important to both Arie and Emily), Emily also realized that the producer is just not that hot (and apparently doesn't have a designer wardrobe or hair and makeup budget to dress and look as nice as Emily does), so there really was nothing for Emily to worry about. Emily and Arie kissed (which is seemingly the only aspect of their relationship) and made up. Fireworks ensured. Literally.
"'Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile...I'm captivated by you, baby, like a fireworks show..."
Name that tune!
Oh yeah, and Arie told Emily that he loved her. Or loved kissing her. I think it's pretty much the same thing to him. But at least he didn't threaten to stop "loving on her" if she got fat someday. Ox, you may be gone, but you're not forgotten!
Emily's Date With John:
Emily's date with John was pretty forgettable. I don't even want to take the time to put a picture of it. I think they painted on the John Lennon wall. (The date would have been more interesting if she had gone out with the real John Lennon.) Then they went to some fence and tried to put a lock on the fence. the lock was a symbol of eternal love or something like that.
The only problem was that they couldn't get the lock to work. Kinda like their relationship! Did I just say that out loud? Yes, I did. So did Emily (who said: "It's not a good sign."). Or maybe it was John (performance anxiety?). The point is that someone said it and we all believed it.
The best part was that John thought that the date went so well. He actually used the word "Amazing" to describe the date. (Apparently calling someone "amazing" these days is about the equivalent of saying that someone has a "really sweet spirit.") I guess he was confident of himself. At least someone was.
Oh, yeah, John let us know why he has had such a hard time opening up. It seems like he was dumped cheated on by someone in a prior relationship! As if that never happens. John, get over it. Yes, it sucks, but you're not the first one to have that happen to them, nor will you be the last.
Sean Jumps The Shark
I left the closed captions, but they really should have read: "Emileeeeeeee! Emileeeeeeee!"
After John got home, Sean decided that he didn't want to go crazy like Chris (who was constantly moaning and griping about how he hadn't gotten an one-on-one date), so Sean decided to take to the streets of Prague to find Emily.
Here's how Sean described what he was thinking: "If I run around the streets of Prague and I don't find her, I'll be absolutely devastated." Huh?
Prague is a giant city with maybe a million people or more in it. Finding Emily while you aimlessly wander the streets of it would be actually worse than finding a needle in a haystack, but you think that you would be "absolutely devastated" if you can't find it.
And that my friends, was where The Batch jumped its second shark of the evening. I honestly think that Fonzi's water-skiing caper had a better chance of success than Sean's "Mission Impossible" moment. Especially because The Batch is reality tv, right?
It's a miracle...Sean finds Emily--all alone--in some dark tunnel in Prague!
Wrong! Because Sean "found" her. And The Batch made it seem like Sean actually found her, all by herself, walking herself home from a date, in some foreign country, where they speak a foreign language, late at night, at the end of a long, dark tunnel. Umm...sure! I just don't buy it. And neither should you. (Unless that is, they had the same genius camera guy following Emily that night who was also supposed to have been filming the critical three-way discussion between Emily, Arie, and Bachelorette-producer Cassie.)
At least we didn't have Chris Harrison pop in right before Sean left on his "Mission Impossible" Quest to breathlessly announce that we were about to witness the "most dramatic" secret rendezvous in Bachelorette history!
Sean Gets His Groove On...
...Looks Like He's Been Getting Some Tips From Arie
Fortunately, Sean's mission was a success. He was rewarded with some extended lip smackage from Emily, and for the first time, it looked like Sean wasn't kissing his elderly Aunt Nellie.
The Group Date aka A Series of Unfortunate Events:
The next morning, Chris, Sean, and Doug went on the last group date. Happily for us as viewers (assuming you're into cringe-worthy moments), there were a series of unfortunate events that occurred. Let's start, in no particular order, with Chris.
I'm still not sure what Emily saw in Chris...
It's hard to really underestimate the depth of Chris' very public meltdown without letting him use his own words:
Going on a group date with Sean and Doug would be worse that going on a group date with 10 other guys.
(Obviously Chris seems to suffering from a lack of confidence, but he'd be wise not to totally broadcast his "shortcomings." I've yet to see it pay off on this show.)
"I'm pissed [about going on the group date] to be honest...I've just got a bad feeling."
(Yes, so do we Chris...kinda like that feeling when you're about to watch a train wreck as an innocent bystander.)
'The setting is very romantic and I'm going crazy..."
(Chris isn't nick-named "devil eyes" for nothing.)
"I'm at a boiling point..."
"First I'm gonna ask Emily why I didn't get a one-on-one date this week. And I want to hear an explanation."
(Chris, something tells me you won't like her explanation...)
"If I don't get that rose tonight, I'm gonna freaking out a little bit, like bad."
(I hope someone has security on speed dial.)
"I am a little upset with you [to Emily's face]."
"I don't like seeing guys come home from dates with you. It drives me crazy actually...Like I was about to go crazy yesterday."
(Clearly no one has explained the premise of the show to Chris. And when he says "Crazy," I don't think he means "Crazy like a fox." I think he means the other type of crazy--like, stalker-crazy or--even worse--postal worker crazy!)
[After Emily gave the date rose to Sean] "I am pissed off. It's insulting to hear her say that she's ready to see Sean's family, not mine. That is frickin' crazy."
"What kind of [bleep] is that? If I don't get a hometown date, I'll be scared for anybody around me."
(See, I told you so. Postal worker crazy...)
Doug:
Next, let's take Doug...
Emily leans back and away. A pained look crosses her face. The tension is evident in her
head, neck and shoulders, and her hands are out in a semi-defensive posture.
Doug has his arms crossed in a very guarded position. He actually apologizes when there
they accidentally bump knees.
In addition to his awkward body language, Doug starts off his sit-down, alone time with Emily by saying how much he doesn't want to go home and how he thought he was going home last Rose Ceremony. Huh? Doug my boy, quit reminding Emily of all the reasons she needs to cut you loose. Man up, and try to find something in common with her beside the fact that you are both single parents!
Here is a great quote from their window ledge sit-down "DTR" (Define the Relationship) talk: [Doug] "Oops sorry." [Emily] "No. You're fine. (sighs) No, Doug, don't--don't worry. Our legs are touching [like that's not a big deal--certainly nothing to apologize for]." [Doug] No, I--no, no no, it wasn't that. I just didn't--I wasn't in the way. We're good. Um...uh, we're, like, getting off track." [Emily] "That's okay."
Doug = Not Smooth. Most. Awkward. Conversation. EVER!
It was so bad that Emily even commented on how bad his body language was and that if he didn't want to get close to her now, he never would. She knew what she had to do...
If only Doug had seen it coming. Emily reassures him that she understands being a "slow mover," but then says it something totally different to be "no moving at all."
Mm...Mm. [Not] Good. Doug shows how NOT to seal the deal with a kiss.
His timing was terrible. His surprise kiss interrupted Emily mid-word. She didn't miss a beat after it finished by saying: "Thank you for that." Doug's reply: "Yep." Gross. Emily, undeterred, proceeded to walk him out and send him home.
Doug, someday you'll find the right girl...
Jef With One F:
Jef Scored Some Points By Remembering to Buy a Puppet for Little Ricki
Jef's date with Emily was pretty low key. They got puppets, went to a library, and used the puppets to re-enact their romance. It sounds a little hokey (creepy even?), but it actually was a little bit cute. And I guess if they liked it, then who am I to complain?
Nice boots Emily....
At least I didn't have to hear Jef complain about how he's been getting the short end of the stick like Chris does. The truth is that Jef is the best conversationalist by far among the remaining suitors. He is real and he and Emily seem to have the most realistic romance. Emily genuinely seems to like him and they seem to enjoy spending time together. I guess what I'm saying is that they seem like the most real couple left.
Sobbing and Bobbing With Chris:
The stress is getting to Chris...note the red eyes
Chris belatedly realized that he blew it with Emily during his group date. He then got very emotional. Chris' emotional state made John even more confident. Then the rest of the guys jumped in to keep psyching Chris out. It wasn't pretty. We saw Chris continue his death spiral of a meltdown.
Somewhere along the way, Chris developed a really annoying nervous tick. He started bobbing his head and neck around in all sorts of positions. Strangely enough, it was very bird-like in appearance--much like this macaw:
Chris then panicked and decided that he needed to interrupt the Rose Ceremony to say what was on his mind to Emily. With all due respect to Chris Harrison, it did make for a pretty dramatic moment in the Rose Ceremony.
I'm sure that everyone thought that Chris was toast. Mostly because he was so pathetic (I mean Chris himself admitted that he was going home because he had blown it) and also partly because John was so confident.
Chris Comes Back from the Brink
Turns out I was wrong and so was John. In a shocking last moment twist, Emily kept Chris and gave John the boot. Chris was ecstatic--like any good stalker would be. I just think his sense of relief may be a bit premature. He has been granted a reprieve, but certainly not a ring.
I actually think that Chris' speech worked against him and Emily picked Chris in spite of himself. Nevertheless, we will be going on "home towns" tomorrow night with Chris, Arie, Sean, and Jef with One F. Can you wait?
