So Easy Even a Caveman Could Do It?

I'll say this about Caveman...the producers know how to clean him up!

This season of the Bachelor should be sponsored by GEICO.  The Bachelor producers have decided after umpteen seasons of the show (and countless teases for the "most dramatic Bachelor/Bachelorette episode ever!") that they are going to top themselves this season by showing America that their show is so powerful that it can make 25 beautiful women (and one old lady) swoon over a Neanderthal.

Perhaps those "words are hurtful" but I'm not the first one--or the only one--to say it.

And let's face it...as a fledgling blogger, I probably don't have the chops to do a proper Bachelor-recap.  But no one's ever accused me of backing down from a challenge.  (And if you want a real Bachelor recap, go check out my friend Brooke's blog.)

So here goes...

The Girls
Let's be honest, if you're a guy, this is why you watch.  Either that or because your wife makes you watch with her.  But there were some cute girls in the show.  There were also some awkward moments, terrible lines, several extra large helpings of jealousy, cattiness, a homemade rap, candy being hand fed from a garbage sack to a blindfolded Caveman, a slug on the arm, a horse, and one truly atrocious hat.

So basically your normal Bachelor season-opening episode--all fluff and no substance.  Anyone that thinks that they are going to be able to learn anything about relationships, dating, or romance from watching this show is sadly mistaken.

Here are a few of the notable "contestants":

Courtney's a 10...If you don't believe her, just ask her!

Courtney is a model.  How do I know?  Well, in case the producers didn't tell us (which they did), Courtney went ahead and announced it to Caveman.  Twice.  Then, for emphasis, she went ahead and told him how hard her life was as a model, and then complimented his hair--about five times.  Apparently, subtlety is not her strong suit...

I think there was some violin music playing for her at that point.  Or maybe it was just in my mind.  As if I really cared how "difficult" it is for her to be a model.

She thinks she is all that and a bag of chips.  Did she really say the following about the wedding ring she expects from Caveman : "I know what I want and I think two carats is, you know--I deserve it..."?  Yes, she did.  Courtney, I'm not that impressed.

I was surprised that she had a pretty decent get-to-know-you-sit-down with Caveman and she seemed fairly genuine.  I think it was all an act and I remain unconvinced.  Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke "Neanderthals."

Courtney, I think you'll be around for a while though and I predict that we will be able to count on you for more than your share of drama this season!

Granny

Granny was a sweetheart

Granny was great.  I think Caveman was worried that she was for real.  Did anyone else noticed how he zeroed in on that wedding ring on Granny's finger.  He thought for sure he had an "out" with that one.  I hope that Granny's granddaughter does fairly well, but there were other "contestants" that seemed more memorable.

Part of the problem seemed to be that Granny wouldn't let her grand-daughter get a word in edge-wise.  It's one thing to be a wingman, it's another thing to dominate the conversation.

"Good things don't end unless they end badly."
Jenna (see more below), if you are going to quote the Bachelor from last season, let's try and get the quote right.  I mean you have had about five months to memorize those eight words!  I hope you can redeem yourself!

Was She Playing Hard to Get?
Did anyone notice the blond that walked right past Caveman without even greeting him?  Did she make the cut?  I was so confused by that move and I'm not sure if the producers ever got around to giving us more of the back story on that one.

I think it was Anna and I think I caught her later saying that she thought that Ben was "gorgeous"?  If she really thought so, her move backfired.  Anna didn't get a rose.  Shocker!

Worst Opening Line
There were some corny opening lines.  Here's my favorite:

Erica: "The verdict is in--and you are guilty."

Caveman: "Guilty of what?"
Erica: "Being sexy."

Yes, that was from our resident law student, Erica.  I bet that line just kills in Chicago.  Seems like Caveman liked it though.

My next favorite "worst opening line" may have been Courtney's.  She actually announced: "I'm a model."  Very classy!

Most Awkward Moment aka The First Kiss of the Season

Nothing says "I love you" quite like a dab of Purell...

Emily, I know you're an epidemiologist, which is just fancy talk for the fact that you grow nasty bacteria and mold in petri dishes.  (Trust me, I think we are working on some far nastier concoctions in the nether regions of our family minivan....)  Regardless, they must not have covered this in your PhD program, but traditionally there is supposed to be a lot more romance with the first kiss.

I'm not really a romantic myself, but I just have a feeling that anytime you have to dispense hand sanitizing gel and breath freshener to your "partner" before you're comfortable busting a move, it's kind of a mood killer.  I could be wrong here though.  I'm surprised she didn't break out the latex exam gloves and CPR face shield before she made actual physical contact.

Usually it works better if you wait until after you're married before you start displaying your OCD tendencies...

The Crazy
Why does Utah always have to bring "the CRAZY" (note the caps) to the Bachelor/Bachelorette?

The Notorious Michelle Money and the Infamous Bentley

To these two, we (proudly?) add Monica:

I don't live in Utah, but I have friends and family there and it pains me to think that this is the best the state has to offer--at least as far as this show goes.

Maybe it's because the classy Utahns either won't or can't get on the show.  I have a friend who lives in Utah. She is single and applied to be on the show (I can't remember which season).  Anyway, I think that she made it fairly deep into the casting process before she was asked if she would wear a bikini on the show.  She said no.  And she didn't make the cut.  I bet she would have if she had brought more crazy!

The Drama
What Bachelor episode/season would be complete without "the drama?"  In fact, it has almost become a cliche for the Bachelor to tease us each week by promising "the most dramatic Rose Ceremony ever."  Yeah, right... (the fact that Chris Harrison can actually say that with a straight face episode after episode and season after season is a minor miracle in and of itself!)

But tonight was no exception, as there was plenty of drama.  Allow me to introduce Jenna.  She's a 27-year-old blogger (what does that say about me as a fellow blogger?).

This girl apparently has no real problems in her life...

If Jenna had ever had any real problems in her life, she wouldn't have created a totally unnecessary argument with Monica and then had an emotional meltdown that ended up with Jenna crying in the bathroom.

She is a blogger who blogs about love.  Apparently she has a doctoral level understanding of the theory of love,  but no actual practice at it.  Sounds like she's ready for a "paying" career as either a college professor or a federal bureaucrat!

At least she managed to make it out of the bathroom in time for the Rose Ceremony (barely).  Adding to the drama was the fact that Caveman made her wait before he gave her the final rose of the evening.  I'm surprised the Rose Ceremony wasn't interrupted by an ambulance arriving to rush Jenna to the E.R.

Here's a little tip for all you future Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants out there...who cares about the other contestants???  Whether you're there for the "right reasons" (whatever those might even be judging by the "amazing" success rate at matchmaking that the show has achieved during its storied run on television) or just to promote your career (Justin aka "Rated R" aka the Wrestler, you know who you are...) the important thing is to develop a connection with the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Don't get into catfights with the other contestants!

Back to Jenna.  Of course she got a rose though even though she was apparently barely functional moments prior to the Rose Ceremony.  Whether the Caveman even liked her or noticed her, that type of raw, uncomfortable, emotional train wreck of a display that Jenna put on is pure ratings gold.  I predict she'll be around for a few episodes at least, but no way will she make it to the final rose ceremony.  (Yeah, I know I'm really going out on a limb with that one...but I'm pretty sure I'm right!)

Now if we could only figure out where her blog is located at!

The Disappointments

We Hardly Knew Ye...

Meet Amber T. and Lyndsie J.  Sadly, we'll probably never see them again.  America is still not sure why they didn't make the cut.

Lyndsie actually looked a lot cuter in her yellow dress tonight.  The promo picture above makes it look like she's some sort of blackjack dealer in Reno.  Not Vegas--Reno (there is a difference--I've been to both and Reno has even less allure than Vegas does and that's not saying much).  The "Way too much make-up around the eyes" look and the big earrings are doing nothing for her in that picture.

Her exit interview was a trainwreck which is too bad because she is a trauma nurse for goodness sake and should have a little more self-respect.  She obviously doesn't read Brooke's blog (see Rule #5).  (Brooke, that post you did should be required reading for all Bachelor contestants, btw!)

Actually, the "train wreck" exit moments have given us as viewers so much over the years in terms of viewing pleasure.  We're probably better off that these contestants refuse to follow any sort of common sense advice about leaving with one's dignity intact.

Who can forget that memorable young doctor (was it Andy Baldwin's season?) who famously (and desperately) shrieked "My eggs are rotting!"  I don't know how the Bachelor that season was able to turn down such a tempting offer!

I thought Amber and Caveman would have at least had "hunting and gathering" in common?

After seeing how Amber handled that bow and arrow and shotgun from the opening minutes of the show, I'm glad (for Caveman's sake) that Amber T.'s choice of evening wear didn't accommodate any weaponry.  Anyway, she seemed cute and interesting, so it's too bad she got the ax.

Amber T., if you're reading this somewhere in Nebraska, you're better off without Caveman.  Trust me.  You can do better!  :)


Lyndsie is British and is an "internet entrepreneur."  I have no idea what that is.  It probably means that she sells Amway, Mona Vie, Tahitian Noni Juice or something like that.  She seemed like she had a lot of energy and some spunk.  But I guess we'll never know exactly what type of internet entrepreneur she is or anything else about her.

In Conclusion
Tune in next week folks as Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss show us that (so long as you promise exotic getaways, luxurious accommodations, plenty of face time on national television, and a huge diamond engagement ring) getting 25 women to fall in love with you is so easy that even a Caveman could do it!