The Bachelorette: 101 Dalmatians Edition

Pongo and Perdita

This week's edition of The Bachelorette took us to Dubrovnik, Croatia.  Dubrovnik is a city on the famed coast of Dalmatia--an ancient region in Croatia.  I've actually been to Croatia and it was great to remember the couple of weeks that I spent there.  But I digress, and since this blog isn't "all about me", I'll get back to the task at hand...yesterday's episode.

Emily and Her Remaining Suitors

For better or worse, we don't have 101 "dogs" that Emily has to weed through at this point in the season.  As the episode opens, we are only down to 8 dogs--The Ox (aka Ryan); Horton (the "Egg Guy" from Horton Hatches An Egg aka Travis); Sean; "Wolf" (aka John the paper shredder); Jef with One F; Doug; Chris; and Arie.  

Spectacular!  Dubrovnik lies on the Dalmatian Coast.

***SPOILER ALERT***  By then end of the episode, it became clear to me that there were really only three serious suitors (Arie; Jef with One F; and Sean).  The rest are all dogs.  And I'm still trying to figure out who is playing the role of Cruella de Ville...(It might be the Ox, but I'm not sure that he is smart enough for that role...)

The episode starts with Emily dropping in on the guys in their hotel room.  No sign of Chris Harrison.  I guess he must have been held up in Customs with visa problems.  The guys look mostly like they just got off the red-eye from London.  None of them have shaved.  But Ox's beard looks particularly grown in.  (Later on, we would find out that he waxes his legs and plucks the hair from his fingers.  He also shaves little designs in his beard.  Frankly, it was TMI as far as I was concerned!).

Best line from this portion of the date, was Jef inserting this classic line: "If you're going to fall in love, North Carolina Bermuda London Croatia is the perfect place to do it."  Is it just me or do they say that every single week???

Horton's Date:

Poor Horton/Travis

Horton and Emily decided to tour Old City Dubrovnik.  Emily said that they were both "like two fish out of water."  As luck would turn out, being like two fish out of water would have less to do with two Southerners being in this beautiful walled, European city and more to do with the fact that Horton and Emily were completely locked in the "Friends Zone" with absolutely no chemistry.

They apparently spent the whole day together.  We saw about 3 minutes on film. Yes, it was that boring.  I was bored just watching it.  Maybe the most "exciting" portion was when Emily told the confessional camera that she was wondering: "What's underneath [Horton's] shirt?" and was disappointed that he didn't take it off at one point in the date.

I was also a bit suspicious as both of them proclaimed how "perfect" the date was going.  To quote the Bard: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks!"  If it really were so great, neither one would have felt the need to convince themselves or us how the date was a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.

By dinner, Emily had to psyche herself up by letting us know that the "stage was set for romance."  Sadly, Horton would only disappoint both us and Emily.  In his defense, maybe he's just out of practice.  He did admit that he hadn't been on a date in two years!  Yikes!

Horton showed more passion when he chucked the umbrella
than he did during the date...

Needless to say, Horton did not get the rose.  Emily extolled his virtues and told him how great he was, only to drop the "But" bomb on him.  It wouldn't be the first time that she pulled this trick during the episode.  She told him that they had a "great friendship foundation, but at the same time I don't think we have that romance."  Ouch!  She might as well have told him: "It's not you, it's me."  Oh wait, she kinda did.  (She told him that she didn't want him to think that he could have "done anything differently" to make her change her mind.)

The Group Date or "Since When Did The Scottish Highland Games Move to Croatia?":

Like Merida, Emily Can Be a Straight Shooter

The group date begins with Emily declaring that "Sometimes a girl just wants to see a movie."  Naturally, the Bachelorette producers somehow managed to snag a copy of Disney/Pixar's new movie: "Brave."  Not coincidentally, both Pixar and The Batchelorette fall under the "House of Mouse" (Disney corporate family) and the movie just happens to open on Friday at a theater near you!  Don't forget to buy your tickets!  ;-)

Both Emily and Doug pointed out that there were some similarities between the heroine and Emily.  I'm not a huge Arie fan, but I give him credit for this clever line: "Merida [the movie heroine] kinda got gypped--she only got three dudes!"  Funny stuff.  But as we would later learn by the end of the episode, I now wonder whether Arie came up with this line on his own or whether it was fed to him by the show producer who happens to be his ex-girlfriend...

Rumor has it that Jef With One F (2nd from Right) is pretty comfortable with knee-high socks...

After the movie, the guys got to don kilts.  Women across America cheered as the camera focused on the men stripping down.

The games themselves were a trip.  The games were complete with bagpipers and traditional highland games (archery, log toss, and stick pull)  All of the guys did pretty well.  All of the guys that is except Chris.  Chris is a pansy.  He was the only guy that couldn't hit the target during archery.  Not only could he not hit the target (he totally missed), but he also managed to look like a total dweeb doing it.  It's like he was giving a tutorial entitled: "How NOT to shoot an arrow" (i.e., put your feet together, stick your butt out, and cock your wrist at a funny angle).  It really wasn't very attractive.  Hopefully I can get a picture here for your viewing pleasure.

This is just awkward...

For some inexplicable reason, however, Emily chose to reward his pathetic-ness with the "Bravery" Award and then with the rose!  I honestly think she felt sorry for him.  I don't think I'm alone in that sentiment.

The guys were totally jealous.  Chris didn't waste much time in getting under a blanket with Emily for some "quality" time.  Then again, Sean didn't waste much time in locking lips with Emily either.  Of course, I don't really think the other guys have much to worry about.  Sean's kisses are so chaste, he might as well be kissing his sister.  (Yuck!)

Arie works his magic

Then there's Arie.  He's never been ashamed to kiss Emily.  We were treated to an extended, prolonged, lingering shot of Emily and Arie kissing whilst Emily is pinned up against the wall.  Somehow, I don't think she minded.

Jef with One F and Emily had a great conversation.  Especially after Emily called him out for waiting so long to kiss her.  Then Jef with One F made up for lost time by--kissing her.

Jef with One F also whispered to her: "Can I tell you a secret?  You give me the type of feeling that people write about.  I'm crazy about you."  I think he definitely scored some points with that one.

Chris was last.  He's not as smooth and his eyes kind of freak me out because they are so intense.  I've heard them referred to as devil eyes.  They must be devil eyes because he somehow managed to bedevil Emily into giving him the rose.  Chris beamed as she gave him the rose (and a kiss or three...).  The other guys...not so much!

Jealous much?  Arie and Jef with One F are incredulous as Chris gets the rose on the group date.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if there was a guy on this date that Emily DIDN'T kiss.  It reminded me of a saying I heard growing up about saving your kisses to make them special.  My grandma always told me that kissing someone who'd kissed a lot of other people is kinda "like eating a piece of bread that had had all the butter licked off."  Obviously, Emily's grandma never told her that story.


The Babe (Emily) and the Big Ox (Ryan):

Take Paul Bunyan's unshaven mug and combine with the brains from Babe the Blue Ox...
....and you get Ryan

We were treated to an extended montage of Ox getting ready for his date with Emily.  We saw how his uses his razor to make triangle shapes in his beard.  We also saw how little the other guys in the house like the Ox.  Chris called him a jack-ass and called him out for taking three hours to get ready.  Ox thought that the guys in the house like him a lot.  In reality, as soon as Ox left, the guys doubled over in laughter and couldn't stop mocking him.

I'm not sure why he bothered to lather up the beard when he
wasn't going to shave it?

Ox took command behind the wheel and promptly found himself getting honked at and passed by just about every single car on the road.  He is a terrible driver!  Then they went to eat oysters.

"Beep, Beep"...Ox getting passed by another car.  My grandma drives faster than the Ox!

Dinner continued the comedic train wreck. I found myself both fascinated and yet horrified by the spectacle. Clearly, Ox isn't used to hearing people tell him no.  I just got the impression that Emily wasn't "buying" what the Ox was selling.

Then Ox pulled out his "list" of qualities that he wanted in his wife.  I loved how Emily thought that none of them hit her #1 priority (family).  Here is a smattering of some of those characteristics:

• #4 - Encourager - always "lifting [him] up and never ridiculing [him]."  That's actually tougher than you might think given that Ox says so much stuff that just begs to be mocked...
• #8 - Someone that is a Servant - because any wife of Ox's is going to have to serve him...a lot!  (Something to look forward to, ladies!)

I went ahead and added a couple that I'm sure that Ryan forgot...

• #13 - Good Cook, but not "Well Nourished."  Because Ox needs to eat well, but can't run the risk of Emily getting so big that he can't "love on her" anymore.
• #14 - Tigress.  Because heaven knows that Ox needs someone good in the sack to meet all of his manly "needs."

Emily clearly has her doubts...

Emily was not impressed with Ox's list and America collectively cheered as Emily told Ox that she didn't want to be married to Ox because she "fit into [Ox's] mold."

Here's a sampling of some of Ryan's actual quotes from the date (you can't make this stuff up!):

• "It's been a good day.  You know, spending time alone, you know, that's really what I wanted more than anything."  (Ox, since you live to show off to other people, I highly doubt that you actually wanted to be alone all day.)
• "I think it says a lot that I was chosen for this date.  I keep things fresh and new."  (I always thought that Tupperware was much better for keeping things "fresh.")
• "I look at myself every day when I wake up and say to myself: 'Who do you want to be today?'  Most men do not do that."  (You're right Ox, most men do not spend as much time looking at themselves in the mirror as you do!  Thankfully, or our nation's economy would grind to a halt!)
• "I know that I am a very good-looking guy that can get women."
• "The world is our pearl...I'm already thinking there's a pearl in there...You're the pearl."  (Covering up for his flub that the saying is actually "The world is your oyster.")
• "I'm a very safe driver.  You may not feel safe, but I don't get in accidents."  (Did anyone else notice how all this little grannies and other cars were constantly passing the Ox?)
• "Trouble, I'm definitely trouble."
• "My biggest hope for today was that we would spend time together and I would recognize and you would recognize that I could be a companion to you and you could be a companion to me."
• "You're like a trophy wife."
• "Every man should believe his wife is a trophy."  (Ox, please don't speak on my behalf.  You already make me embarrassed enough for my gender!)
• "How are you going to say you don't want to be a trophy wife and come looking like that?"

As with Horton, Emily began extolling Ox's virtues, but then dropped the "But" Bomb.  When she told Ox, she couldn't give him the rose, Ox couldn't take it.  He was "shocked" and "very surprised."  He went through many of the stages of grief--bargaining, anger, denial, acceptance--it was all there.  Emily actually teared up.  I don't know why because Ox is nobody to cry over.

Ox's exit interview was memorable.  Again, Ox's own words are too good to paraphrase (at least he didn't cry though: "She is making the wrong decision. I don't know that she will find the right guy for her here...Right now I can't imagine how shocked the guys are...we've built great friendships...Losing sucks...When you look at me you're thinking 'winner.'  That's shocking man.  Getting the ax this evening, it's definitely a blow.  You spend five minutes with me, I'll tell you that while I'm blessed with many earthly gifts, those are not worth being confident in."


He concluded with what seems like a somewhat lame and pathetic plea to the producers to not be portrayed as an "arrogant ass."  No Ox...The producers didn't do that to you--you did it all to yourself.


Rendezvous With Arie

Yes, they have chemistry...Look at the body language.  She is into him.

Arie took advantage of Ox's departure to sneak over to Emily's apartment.  He just wanted to talk make out with her.  Emily didn't seem to mind.  Before the rendezvous was over, she gave Arie the rose that had been intended for Ox.  She also talked about seeing Arie next week, telling him: "Next week's going to be fun."  Obviously, Arie is sticking around and she clearly likes him.  A lot.


The Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Clearly John (aka Wolf) and Doug were on the chopping block this week.  John pulled out the funeral cards from his grandparents and Emily fell for it.  He also managed to sneak in a kiss (his first).  Is there anyone that Emily hasn't kissed at this point?

It can't be a good thing when a girl has to say: "Scooch on over here"...
...but keeps this type of barrier between the other person

Doug's time with Emily was just awkward.  Look at the body language.  She is leaning as far away from him as she possibly can.  Every time I see Doug, I think of Emily's: "Of course you did" line.  Very funny.  I'd like to think that Emily was being a little sarcastic, but maybe she wasn't.  Again, I'm just not sure what type of connection Doug and Emily have other than the fact that they are single parents.


Also Doug, here's a tip: Quit telling Emily that you don't want to go home!  She's likely to get the hint and realize that you aren't bringing much to the table.  Emily spends a lot of time trying to build up Doug's confidence.  At the end of the day, I dont' think it's going to matter.  I just don't think Doug's approach is going to be effective for him in the long run.

Doug started crying even before the Rose Ceremony...
...I hope Emily didn't see his breakdown

The Rose Ceremony came down to one rose--with Doug and John left.  Then Emily picked up the rose and split.  Double veto!  I was positive that Emily was keeping neither of them.

Emily went outside and found Chris Harrison who was talking to some "mystery lady."  Turns out the mystery lady is the Bachelorette producer who used to date Arie (I'm pretty sure...)

Chris Harrison, Emily, and the Mystery Lady

Then Emily came back in and pulled a 180 by giving both roses to Doug and John.  Everybody breathed a sigh of relief.  Especially Doug and John.


Next week: Prague.  And we get to see what the "real" story is about Arie and the Bachelor producer.

Giddyup!

PS--If you want to see a funny clip, watch to the end of the credits where you can see the guys try (and mostly fail) to mount up on the donkeys for the Highland Games.