The Batchelorette: The Bermuda (Love) Triangle

This week, it was off to Bermuda for Emily and her crew of admirers.  We see images of Emily and Ricki cavorting about Bermuda and Emily gushes that "Bermuda has Emily written all over it."  Her enthusiasm is hard to contain and it's easy to remember that Emily is the anti-Caveman Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant.

When Emily says that she can't wait to come back to Bermuda with her future husband and that she'll likely be pushing a baby stroller, we actually believe it.  America loves Emily (and not just because she's easy on the eyes).  At the same time, I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt.  If you really like someone, the absolute last place on earth that you would want them to go to find love would be the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Sure the contestants get wined and dined, but the show's track record in the matchmaking department is simply abysmal.

Here a few of my brief thoughts on last week's episode:


Doug's Date:
First of all, Doug totally let the guys psyche him out before the date.  Everybody was giving him crap before the date and he didn't handle it well.  I get the sense that Doug is one bad day away from going postal.  I'm sure it will make for great tv.

Arie needs to watch out a bit but Arie's "Hulk" impersonation of Doug was funny: "Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug sad."  Let's hope Doug doesn't flip out and decide to smash Arie.

Does anyone else wonder what Doug has in common with Emily?  Emily talks about how they have such a great "connection" and how they've known each other for years, but the only thing I see in common is that Doug keeps reminder Emily that they are both single parents.  Frankly, I'm not impressed.

Emily clearly was impressed.  Especially when Doug told Emily that he had started a charity.  "Of course, you did," cooed Emily.  She is impressed.

I'm still skeptical, so I did a little research and Doug's charity is apparently called: "Dollar Per Month."  My first thought was that it reminded me of a picture I saw on Facebook recently.  The picture had a female silhouette and then the caption: "I support single moms, one dollar at a time."  Terrible, I know, and tacky.  My second thought was to ask how many "dollars per month" Doug takes out of the kitty.  I' thought about putting a link in this post to Doug's charity, but since I'm not getting any dollars per month for the plug, I think I'll refrain.

At dinner, Emily worried that Doug was "too perfect."  She thought Brad was too perfect and didn't want to repeat that mistake.  When Doug confessed: "I have bad days.  I'm a normal person, like you know, nobody's perfect" I just felt creepy.

One thing that is great about Emily is that she is not afraid to ask follow-up questions.  She pushed Doug by asking him what flaws his ex-girl friends would complain about.  Doug's response: "I spend too much time with my son."  In response to Emily's question about what his last argument was about, Doug somehow found it within himself to admit: "She seemed mad at me for not washing her car enough."

Later, Doug, ever the philospher, regaled us with these words of wisdom--a window into his soul, if you will--about himself: "I'm just a guy, you know, like, I'm not a genius, but I'm not a dummy.  I'm not, like, wealthy, but I'm not poor.  I'm just Doug."

Really, Doug??!?  Emily should have just sent him packing for giving such stupid answers.  Spending too much time with your son is not a bad thing Doug.  I just get sick of you mentioning your son at every possible moment.  Enough already!  Doug must go.  Unfortunately, Emily still gave him the rose.  I guess he'll be back next week.  Maybe by then he'll have me convinced that he's perfect, but I doubt it.


Group Date: Sailing:
I must confess I was a little jealous of this date.  Not because I wish I were on the date--but because I've always wanted to learn how to sail.  The summer I graduated from law school, I had a little time on my hands once I took the bar exam.  Since I am an Eagle Scout, they asked me to go to Scout Camp at Fiesta Island with the Scouts from my ward.

I went and it was pretty fun.  They had little sailboats there that you could take out on the bay and I decided to give myself a lesson.  I did okay going out with the wind at my back.  Then I almost tipped the sailboat over trying to get back home.  I got blown a long way away from the camp and through an infestation of jelly fish.  At some point, I ended up jumping out and walking along the shore with the boat in tow.  An ignominious finish, no doubt, but I refuse to be defeated.

But I digress.  Even though neither side knew what it was doing in the boat race, somehow Arie managed to pull some race car maneuver and get the inside track to the finish.  It wasn't exactly a performance worthy of the America's Cup or even the movie "Wind", but it was enough to get to spend more time with Emily.

Charlie.  You deserve special attention for crying on the bus back to the hotel after finishing.  I know that sailing isn't a real sport like basketball, football, or even baseball.  However, I'm pretty sure that there's no crying in sailing, just like "there's no crying in baseball!"  Man up Charlie!

Arie.  Arie took advantage of his win by finding some alone time with Emily later that night to play some Beach Blanket Bingo with her.  He has a lot of confidence, but I guess that's what happens when you are dating a producer who can feed you all the lines and inside info that you need to know that you have the inside track.

Jef With One F.  I'm no expert.  But seems like that big pregnant pause when the conversation stopped and you and Emily both looked at each other was your moment.  Oops, Emily just did a confessional where she admitted that she wanted Jef with One F to kiss her.  Jef With One F is playing "the cool guy" for now.  Let's see how many more chances Emily gives him.

Ryan.  You are no Rhodes Scholar.  I can hardly listen to him brag on himself to Emily and remind her about how much "depth" there is to himself.  That's kinda like painting someone's house and then telling everybody that the paint job you did looks great--if you do say so yourself.  Maybe it does, but don't you think it'd be nicer if people kind of figured it out on their own?

Here's a great quote from Ryan: "I'm not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.  You know?"

No, Ryan, I don't know.  Like Emily, I have no idea where in the world that comes from or what in the heck that it means!

Here's a few more Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy Ryan:

• God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.  You know what I mean?
• Being flirtatious is a good thing.  If you can't flirt, what can you do?
• Coming into this, I was praying not only for myself, but I was praying for you [Emily], that you would use this opportunity to really impact tons and tons of people...hold yourself to a high standard...we had to sit there and watch you and Arie kissing.  You know what I mean?  I had a little bit of a hard time with that.

I loved that Emily called Ryan out for judging her about that one.  Ryan is a tool and I'd love to see him leave, but he is so dumb that his comments are like comic gold for the show!  As long as he is on the show, I'm sure I will continue to be amazed at what comes out of his mouth.  And by "amazed", I really mean "stupefied."


Two on One Date:
Nate totally lacked confidence.  I think Emily could smell it.  Then, to top off, Nate started crying talking about how great his brother was.  If his brother is so great, why isn't his brother on the show??  No answer for that one.

In fact, neither dude was great.  They had dinner in a cave.  Totally boring.  Did I mention that Nate started crying?  Yes, he did.  It was probably the most exciting moment of the dinner date.  Unfortunately, when you start crying like that, you don't exactly give off the "confidence" vibe.  Needless to say, Nate didn't get the rose.

Catfight
At the Rose Ceremony, Chris decided that it was time to confront Doug.  About what, I'm not sure.  Chris's initial question was to demand to know why Doug thought that he was a better man for Emily.  Or something like that.  I'm sure that the producers were loving the fireworks.  Neither one came off looking well, but I thought that Chris looked worse.  I also was afraid that Doug might actually lose it and go postal.  At times I feel like he is just barely clinging on.  I think that's why Arie's jab earlier about Doug being like the Hulk was so funny.

That kinda gives us at least two (Bermuda) Love Triangles: #1 - Doug, Chris, and Emily.  #2 - Doug, Arie, and Emily.  Doug seems to be in the middle of both.  I'm just not so sure he's perfect.  It seems like Emily may be catching on as well.

The Bermuda Shorts

Jef with One F came out rocking the knee high socks and the Bermuda shorts.  I guess that's appropriate only if you're in...Bermuda.  Good thing that they were.  I'm not sure that I'm such a fan of Jef with One F.  He seems to be the type of guy that enjoys being different just to be able to say that he is different.  Jef with One F, we get it.  You're quirky.  You're different.  We knew that from your name alone.  You love playing hard to get with Emily.  I guess time will only tell whether it's just a tactic and how far it will get you.  So far, it seems to be working--Emily is buying what you're selling.

Good night and happy viewing!