The Bachelorette: Reality Czech Edition

Reality Czech? Fonzi Gets Ready to Literally Jump a Shark

This week's edition of The Batchelorette took us to the Czech Republic--Prague to be exact.  It also may be the moment that the venerable series finally "jumped the shark."

(for your viewing pleasure...the actual clip from Happy Days circa 1977)

Why do I think The Batch jumped the shark?  How did The Batch do it?  Read on, intrepid Bachelorette fan...

Prague:

Prague is beautiful...

The episode starts off with everyone from Emily, to the batchelors, to Chris Harrison regaling us with how beautiful Prague is.  I'm surprised no one decided to give us that old "Batch" stand-bye line: "I'm ready to take this to the next level"  "I'm not looking for a type, I'm looking for a connection"  "If you're looking to fall in love, Prague is the perfect place to do it."

...but so is Emily (and let's face it, that's why we watch)

Arie's Date:

Arie and Emily Stroll Hand in Hand Through Prague

Poor Arie.  As he and Emily left on their date, Emily claimed that she wanted to treat the afternoon as if she were in Prague with her husband and doing the things that she and her husband wanted to do.  Little did Arie suspect that Emily was literally correct.

Even though Emily has never been married, she instinctually knows how to play the game that every wife plays on her husband eventually..."I Know A Secret."  You see, Emily has found out a secret about Arie.  Except that Arie doesn't know that Emily knows what the secret is.  The secret, of course, is that Arie had some sort of dating relationship with one of The Batch's producers.  This producer (Cassie) has finally confided in Arie, but Arie doesn't know this.  Arie thinks that Cassie is continuing to keep their little secret.

We see Emily leading Arie blithely down the primrose path: 

• "Arie, don't you think loyalty is important?"  
• "Arie, rub the dog for loyalty...you should do it twice, extra...that's a big one."
• "Do you feel like you're really open with me?"
• "Do you think you're trustworthy? [Arie foolishly takes the bait and responds:] I think I'm very trustworthy."
• "I like having no secrets."
• [Arie] "It's better to be almost too honest."

Arie then fessed up to having had a tattoo removed.  The tattoo was of an ex's name.  Emily's disappointment at this non-admission was palpable.

Gentleman, here's a little tip: If your wife starts asking a bunch of seemingly innocent questions, you should see red flags flying.  Those questions are not-so-innocent!  You need to figure out what the purpose behind those questions is and address that issue, stat!

The Infomercial Interlude:

"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison..."
(as if we didn't know who he was!)

Chris Harrison interrupted this episode to bring us a very important message about a Batchelorette scandal that we might have heard about or even (gasp!) read about.  I want to know exactly who Chris Harrison is???  Does he think that we just sit around doctor's offices Massage Envy leafing through copies of magazines like People or Us just to read the latest gossip on the show?  Please!  

Umm...how did this pic get in here?

We have some shreds of dignity remaining despite the fact that we carve out two hours every Monday for this important hit somewhat entertaining television show.

Chris Harrison claims that Cassie took it upon herself to "inform" Emily as soon as it became obvious that Emily was developing feelings for Arie.  The scuttlebutt is that Cassie has been feeding inside info to Arie.  We all know that Arie has been saying all the right things all along.  It makes one wonder if Cassie is perhaps at least part of the reason that Arie is hitting all the right notes.

"Some time ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert..." 

Unfortunately, due to Chris Harrison's complete lack of investigative reporting instincts, we are left to know who knew what and when did they know it?  I know this isn't exactly Watergate, for goodness sake, but Chris Harrison's infomercial had more holes in it than the Warren Commission's Report.

Not to worry though Arie fans, Chris Harrison let us know that Arie, Emily, and Cassie had a very "honest" discussion amongst themselves and that Emily realized that it was all a "misunderstanding" and that her feelings for Arie were strong enough to overcome it.

That's the good news.  The bad news is that, even though this is a so-called "reality" show, no one bothered to put this little soiree "on camera."  Really, Chris?  I mean, I know the chit-chat session between Emily, Arie, and Cassie was not exactly a nuclear summit between the superpowers, but don't you think at least one person might have actually thought to turn the cameras on?  This is just not believable and was the first "Jump the Shark" moment in the episode...

But let's also be honest (since honesty is apparently so important to both Arie and Emily), Emily also realized that the producer is just not that hot (and apparently doesn't have a designer wardrobe or hair and makeup budget to dress and look as nice as Emily does), so there really was nothing for Emily to worry about.  Emily and Arie kissed (which is seemingly the only aspect of their relationship) and made up.  Fireworks ensured.  Literally.

"'Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile...I'm captivated by you, baby, like a fireworks show..."
Name that tune!

Oh yeah, and Arie told Emily that he loved her.  Or loved kissing her.  I think it's pretty much the same thing to him.  But at least he didn't threaten to stop "loving on her" if she got fat someday.  Ox, you may be gone, but you're not forgotten!

Emily's Date With John:

Emily's date with John was pretty forgettable.  I don't even want to take the time to put a picture of it.  I think they painted on the John Lennon wall.  (The date would have been more interesting if she had gone out with the real John Lennon.)  Then they went to some fence and tried to put a lock on the fence.  the lock was a symbol of eternal love or something like that.  

The only problem was that they couldn't get the lock to work.  Kinda like their relationship!  Did I just say that out loud?  Yes, I did.  So did Emily (who said: "It's not a good sign.").  Or maybe it was John (performance anxiety?).  The point is that someone said it and we all believed it.  

The best part was that John thought that the date went so well.  He actually used the word "Amazing" to describe the date.  (Apparently calling someone "amazing" these days is about the equivalent of saying that someone has a "really sweet spirit.")  I guess he was confident of himself.  At least someone was.

Oh, yeah, John let us know why he has had such a hard time opening up.  It seems like he was dumped cheated on by someone in a prior relationship!  As if that never happens.  John, get over it.  Yes, it sucks, but you're not the first one to have that happen to them, nor will you be the last.

Sean Jumps The Shark

I left the closed captions, but they really should have read: "Emileeeeeeee! Emileeeeeeee!"

After John got home, Sean decided that he didn't want to go crazy like Chris (who was constantly moaning and griping about how he hadn't gotten an one-on-one date), so Sean decided to take to the streets of Prague to find Emily.  

Here's how Sean described what he was thinking: "If I run around the streets of Prague and I don't find her, I'll be absolutely devastated."  Huh?

Prague is a giant city with maybe a million people or more in it.  Finding Emily while you aimlessly wander the streets of it would be actually worse than finding a needle in a haystack, but you think that you would be "absolutely devastated" if you can't find it.

And that my friends, was where The Batch jumped its second shark of the evening.  I honestly think that Fonzi's water-skiing caper had a better chance of success than Sean's "Mission Impossible" moment.  Especially because The Batch is reality tv, right?

It's a miracle...Sean finds Emily--all alone--in some dark tunnel in Prague!

Wrong!  Because Sean "found" her.  And The Batch made it seem like Sean actually found her, all by herself, walking herself home from a date, in some foreign country, where they speak a foreign language, late at night, at the end of a long, dark tunnel.  Umm...sure!  I just don't buy it.  And neither should you.  (Unless that is, they had the same genius camera guy following Emily that night who was also supposed to have been filming the critical three-way discussion between Emily, Arie, and Bachelorette-producer Cassie.)

At least we didn't have Chris Harrison pop in right before Sean left on his "Mission Impossible" Quest to breathlessly announce that we were about to witness the "most dramatic" secret rendezvous in Bachelorette history!

Sean Gets His Groove On...
...Looks Like He's Been Getting Some Tips From Arie

Fortunately, Sean's mission was a success.  He was rewarded with some extended lip smackage from Emily, and for the first time, it looked like Sean wasn't kissing his elderly Aunt Nellie.

The Group Date aka A Series of Unfortunate Events:

The next morning, Chris, Sean, and Doug went on the last group date.  Happily for us as viewers (assuming you're into cringe-worthy moments), there were a series of unfortunate events that occurred.  Let's start, in no particular order, with Chris.  

I'm still not sure what Emily saw in Chris...

It's hard to really underestimate the depth of Chris' very public meltdown without letting him use his own words:

• Going on a group date with Sean and Doug would be worse that going on a group date with 10 other guys.  
• (Obviously Chris seems to suffering from a lack of confidence, but he'd be wise not to totally broadcast his "shortcomings."  I've yet to see it pay off on this show.)
• "I'm pissed [about going on the group date] to be honest...I've just got a bad feeling."  
• (Yes, so do we Chris...kinda like that feeling when you're about to watch a train wreck as an innocent bystander.)
• 'The setting is very romantic and I'm going crazy..."  
• (Chris isn't nick-named "devil eyes" for nothing.)
• "I'm at a boiling point..."
• "First I'm gonna ask Emily why I didn't get a one-on-one date this week.  And I want to hear an explanation."  
• (Chris, something tells me you won't like her explanation...)
• "If I don't get that rose tonight, I'm gonna freaking out a little bit, like bad."
• (I hope someone has security on speed dial.)
• "I am a little upset with you [to Emily's face]."
• "I don't like seeing guys come home from dates with you.  It drives me crazy actually...Like I was about to go crazy yesterday."
• (Clearly no one has explained the premise of the show to Chris.  And when he says "Crazy," I don't think he means "Crazy like a fox."  I think he means the other type of crazy--like, stalker-crazy or--even worse--postal worker crazy!)
• [After Emily gave the date rose to Sean] "I am pissed off.  It's insulting to hear her say that she's ready to see Sean's family, not mine.  That is frickin' crazy."
• "What kind of [bleep] is that?  If I don't get a hometown date, I'll be scared for anybody around me."
• (See, I told you so.  Postal worker crazy...)

Doug:

Next, let's take Doug...

Emily leans back and away.  A pained look crosses her face.  The tension is evident in her
head, neck and shoulders, and her hands are out in a semi-defensive posture.

Doug has his arms crossed in a very guarded position.  He actually apologizes when there
they accidentally bump knees.

In addition to his awkward body language, Doug starts off his sit-down, alone time with Emily by saying how much he doesn't want to go home and how he thought he was going home last Rose Ceremony.  Huh?  Doug my boy, quit reminding Emily of all the reasons she needs to cut you loose.  Man up, and try to find something in common with her beside the fact that you are both single parents!

Here is a great quote from their window ledge sit-down "DTR" (Define the Relationship) talk: [Doug] "Oops sorry."  [Emily] "No. You're fine.  (sighs) No, Doug, don't--don't worry.  Our legs are touching [like that's not a big deal--certainly nothing to apologize for]."  [Doug] No, I--no, no no, it wasn't that.  I just didn't--I wasn't in the way.  We're good.  Um...uh, we're, like, getting off track."  [Emily] "That's okay."

Doug = Not Smooth.  Most. Awkward. Conversation.  EVER!  

It was so bad that Emily even commented on how bad his body language was and that if he didn't want to get close to her now, he never would.  She knew what she had to do...

If only Doug had seen it coming.  Emily reassures him that she understands being a "slow mover," but then says it something totally different to be "no moving at all."

Mm...Mm. [Not] Good.  Doug shows how NOT to seal the deal with a kiss.

His timing was terrible.  His surprise kiss interrupted Emily mid-word.  She didn't miss a beat after it finished by saying: "Thank you for that."  Doug's reply: "Yep."  Gross.  Emily, undeterred, proceeded to walk him out and send him home.

Doug, someday you'll find the right girl...

Jef With One F:

Jef Scored Some Points By Remembering to Buy a Puppet for Little Ricki

Jef's date with Emily was pretty low key.  They got puppets, went to a library, and used the puppets to re-enact their romance.  It sounds a little hokey (creepy even?), but it actually was a little bit cute.  And I guess if they liked it, then who am I to complain?

Nice boots Emily....

At least I didn't have to hear Jef complain about how he's been getting the short end of the stick like Chris does.  The truth is that Jef is the best conversationalist by far among the remaining suitors.  He is real and he and Emily seem to have the most realistic romance.  Emily genuinely seems to like him and they seem to enjoy spending time together.  I guess what I'm saying is that they seem like the most real couple left.

Sobbing and Bobbing With Chris:

The stress is getting to Chris...note the red eyes

Chris belatedly realized that he blew it with Emily during his group date.  He then got very emotional.  Chris' emotional state made John even more confident.  Then the rest of the guys jumped in to keep psyching Chris out.  It wasn't pretty.  We saw Chris continue his death spiral of a meltdown.

Somewhere along the way, Chris developed a really annoying nervous tick.  He started bobbing his head and neck around in all sorts of positions.  Strangely enough, it was very bird-like in appearance--much like this macaw:

Chris then panicked and decided that he needed to interrupt the Rose Ceremony to say what was on his mind to Emily.  With all due respect to Chris Harrison, it did make for a pretty dramatic moment in the Rose Ceremony.

I'm sure that everyone thought that Chris was toast. Mostly because he was so pathetic (I mean Chris himself admitted that he was going home because he had blown it) and also partly because John was so confident.

Chris Comes Back from the Brink

Turns out I was wrong and so was John.  In a shocking last moment twist, Emily kept Chris and gave John the boot.  Chris was ecstatic--like any good stalker would be.  I just think his sense of relief may be a bit premature.  He has been granted a reprieve, but certainly not a ring.

I actually think that Chris' speech worked against him and Emily picked Chris in spite of himself.  Nevertheless, we will be going on "home towns" tomorrow night with Chris, Arie, Sean, and Jef with One F. Can you wait?