If I Die Young...

I love this song by "The Band Perry"

Confronting one's mortality is not an easy task.  I still like to think of myself as being fairly young.  Heaven knows that I have a lot that I yet want to accomplish in life.  But sometimes I think about whether I'm prepared or ready to "move on"...I can't be the only one, can I?

I remember one year when I had to renew my driver's license agonizing over whether or not to check the organ donor's box.  Ultimately I didn't because I couldn't bring myself to think that I would ever "be" an organ donor.  But I felt ashamed for not checking it and I told my brother that I definitely did want to be an organ donor if I ever had the "opportunity."  (And now the blogosphere is also witness to my organ donor wishes...)

But sometimes I do think about what would happen if I had to check out unexpectedly.  In college, I would have to drive a lot between school (in Utah) and home (in California).  The drive was long.  It could be treacherous.  I often made it by myself, which can be boring, which can lead to potential disaster.  I heard enough stories of tragic mishaps to know that the drive could be dangerous.

The Famous Zzyzx Road...
This sign comes in really handy for those spirited "License Plate Games" on  family trips

One time, before I was married and had kids, I had to drive from Arizona to Utah for some reason.  I remember  thinking that I was worried about something happening, so I actually took the time to write out a handwritten will before I left.  I never told anyone about it (until now) and I have no idea where it is today.   It was a little silly because I really didn't have much in the way of earthly possessions to bequeath, but I felt like I should think about it anyway.

A few years ago, my brother wrote out some instructions, sealed it in an envelope, and gave it to me to hold--"just in case."  He asked me not to open it or read it.  I haven't.  But I still have it in my file.  S.,  I don't think you read my blog, but I hope I never have to open that letter.

While I should have a will (I don't) or better yet, a trust, I've thought about letters of my own that I should probably leave behind.  I definitely would leave a letter for each of my kids telling them what I love about them, what I hope they will accomplish, and letting them know what is important to me and my beliefs about the purpose of our life on earth.

Remember that annoying, yet addictive AOL  message?

There are other letters that I think I would regret NOT writing to friends, other family, and acquaintances.  I believe that it is important to let people know how you feel about them and I try and do that on a regular basis.

But what do you do when you can't tell them for various reasons?  And don't give me any of this "carpe diem" crap.  I know what that phrase means.  There are legitimate reasons for NOT saying things to people.  And there are some things that may be better left unsaid, even if true.  An example would be where such things, even if true, would hurt people.  And I'm not just talking about hurting people's feelings.

For example, there is someone I knew that I never really got along with when I was younger.  There was no reason for it and I wish I hadn't acted the way that I did.  But would making an apology years later really do any good?  Or would it only bring back bad feelings from the past that this person had long put behind him or her.

Another reason for not saying things to people is where telling somebody something or some piece of information would unfairly burden them.  We all have problems in our life.  Our problems are kind of like bags of trash that we have to carry around with us and it's not always that polite to go dump your trash all over someone else's porch where they have to deal with, clean it up, or otherwise be bothered with it.  Most people have enough trash/problems of their own to deal with.

"O Captain, My Captain..."

I have another letter that I've thought about writing for a while.  In my mind's eye, it is very articulate and probably too long.  But I know that it would feel good to write it.  Cathartic.  But even if I wrote it, I don't know if I could ever send it.  At least in this lifetime.

I think it might be possible to summarize the letter in a single sentence.  Coded, of course, because sometimes less is more and I think that the intended recipient would be able to figure it out.  And coded stuff is cool.  (think The Da Vinci Code or the 39 Clues series--a hit with my kids...)

Maybe I should at least get it started:

"Dear ____, I'll be..."

Anyway, let's hope that I never have worry about having it sent in the first place.  That way I won't have to regret the fact that I never finished it.  =o)